So to get out some of the feelings, I thought I'd write a letter two the top three people, who I feel have rejected me most in life. I know that none of them will see this, and I will change their names in this post, to keep this blog private. No one needs to know the identity of these people anyway. I'll go in chronological order. From the first main rejection to today's to end this post off.
Daisy,
We became friends in 4th grade. We had our own little group of three of us. We did a ton together, and hung out at each others houses. Everything was going good until in 5th grade you started being mean to me. Your parents were getting a divorce, and you took it out on me. I finally had a lot of friends in school, but you must not have liked that. You began spreading rumors about me, until you had turned almost everyone against me. I came home everyday crying due to your cruelty. Towards the end of 5th grade you told me we couldn't be friends anymore, because you were "popular" now. "Popular" kids could not possibly be friends with non "popular" kids. You chose them over me. In middle school you pretended like you had never even met me before. Fast forward to high school where we both got voted on Prom Court together. Daisy, why wasn't I good enough for you, back then? Was I that embarrassing of a person, that you had to pretend not to know me? Do you realize how badly you made me feel? That you caused 5th grade to be my worst year of school?
Now to move onto High school
Laura,
We had been good friends since middle school. A lot of people thought you were strange, but being different/strange didn't matter to me. I spent a lot of studyhalls listening you tell these horrendous stories. Even though these stories made me uncomfortable you needed someone to listen. So I did. I listened. Even though I didn't agree with some of the choices you made when living your life, I cared for you. I admired your intelligence. The way you worked hard and took difficult classes. One night our friendship came crashing down in a moment. I remember that same day I had seen you in the hallway, and I'm pretty sure you complimented me on my shirt. This friendship ended differently with cyberbullying. That night I was feeling overwhelmed, so I vented about it on Facebook. (I don't recommend doing this, but it was 5 years ago.) You commented back how I shouldn't be complaining because you had it way worse, and not to look for empathy. I told you that I wasn't saying that you didn't have it worse than I did, because I knew you had more stress in your life than I did. You then went on to make horrible, rude comments. I can't remember what you said, but it was absolutely disgusting to say to a human being. After this you pretended not to know me as well, and wouldn't even give me eye contact when we passed each other in the hallway. Everyday I would be sure to try and catch your eye, so you could see that I was still smiling. We graduated from high school, and I never heard from you again until two summers ago, when you had found my Instagram. You began commenting on all my pictures about how I had gained weight, and how I was so ugly. Your comments didn't affect me this time. Actually I kind of felt bad for you for the insecurity you must of been feeling to feel the need to comment those things. The funny thing is, when you had been commenting those things, I hadn't been using Instagram at all. Laura, did it help you to post all those mean things about me? Did it make you feel happier about yourself? Did it give you some kind of power? How come you never said any of these comments to my face?
Last but not least, the most recent rejection. The rejection that happened today. This might be the longest one, as it has left the freshest cut on my heart.
Bailey,
I met you my 1st month of college. The moment I first met you, you were smiling so big. You had so much joy in you. We were in the same club at college so I would see you a lot. After seeing you a couple times, I determined that you were one of the people that would be a good friend to me. Was I wrong? After a few months into our friendship we became inseparable. We understood each other. Each others interests, our passions, pretty much everything. Talking late into the night. I don't know if our conversations were ever short. Through our friendship I became close with your family...you're lovely family. Doing everything best friends did, because that's what you were to me, a best friend. Do you remember that? It feels like you don't. While all these memories of us, are rolling around in my head. The laughter, the smiles, so many happy moments. If you remembered these things, wouldn't you want to rebuild the friendship we had. Lucky for you, you'll be a hard one to forget, as 100's of pictures of us are on my computer. Will I ever delete them? Will my heart still hang on to you, and hope things could be different? We were both immature two years ago, and that immaturity lead to a break in our friendship. I apologized to you, and forgave you for the hurt you had caused me. Then we hung out less. You stopped saying hi to me in the halls. I took a year off to do the school through my church. I came back with an unspeakable hope in my heart that maybe we could finally restore our friendship after almost 2 years of not talking. You didn't have that same joy in your heart, and told me you thought we should still not talk, and that broke my heart. I grieve the friendship we could of restored. How strong it would of been after it had gone through so much. You say you're a Christian as well, but are unwilling to even try to mend the broken pieces. Maybe its easier to leave those broken pieces in a pile on the ground, and pretend the friendship there never existed. That seems to be the common theme in all of these. Pretending the friendship never even existed. When I first brought up the hope of my heart to restore this friendship with my mom, she said "What is the worst that can happen?" Well, this is the worst thing that could of happened. I guess maybe you could of been more mean about it. So I guess when I see you in the hall, I'll pretend I don't know you. I'll push out all the memories from inside my head, and listen to "Best Day" by Taylor Swift.
To end I want to thank God. God thank you that you are my friend, and you'll never leave me. That though some friends may leave, you'll establish relationships in my life that will be solid. Relationships where we'll fight for each other, and build each other up. I thank you for the friendships you have already placed in my life that are like that. Thank you for the strength that comes from these situations. Thank you for the amount of empathy these trials have given me to use in my future. To you three above, and all the others who haven't treated me right, I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me, and I refuse to hold bitterness in my heart towards you.
