Seasons of Life

        Recently I've been asked a lot, like you do at this time of year: How was your Christmas Break? My whole being wants to say "Yes, it was great!" but that would be partially lying, The truth is, I struggled a lot, at least the first part of break.

          I battled through anxiety to the point where it felt like I was carrying the chains of anxiety again wherever I went. Anxiety I thought I had been finally free from. During the summer I made a post about not having a panic attack in six months, and being really excited, because I felt like God had freed me from one of the biggest battles of my life. That might of been true for that period of time, but in life we go through different seasons. For some reason in that six month period Jesus decided to give me freedom for anxiety, and in this season he wants me to fight. Break has taught me that I have a lot to learn yet, and I'm not fully qualified to win this battle yet.

           For you who don't know, the house I grew up in triggers this battle of anxiety. (We don't know why, I have the best family, and nothing traumatic has happened here). When I'm in the Racine and Kenosha area, where I go to school, most of my anxiety is gone. Like 90%. So somehow I'll have to learn how to battle my anxiety without feeling the bad anxiety itself. I am so blessed I have somewhere I can come to, to just relax and recharge, and not deal with this constantly. Since I am going through such an intense school program, I know that Satan absolutely hates that, and there is a spiritual battle going on in my mind. He wants to crush any time of relaxation.

            Christmas didn't go as well as I would of hoped. I was so nervous anxiety would take over my Christmas, so it did. In the morning after opening presents and getting ready to visit my aunts I remember shaking because of my anxiety. When I was at my aunt's house I had an upset stomach.

          I did have to visit Racine for a day to recharge myself.  At home I was starting to get a chest pain, and a constant upset stomach.  It's okay to take a break. God made one of his servants sleep. After I took that one day of rest, I was ready to fight again, and it wasn't as bad this time. If I hadn't taken that break I think I would of just been burned out.

       I don't know if you all are interested in my symptoms of battling anxiety, but I thought I'd list some of them that I went through more constantly: eventually chest pain, upset stomach (I didn't want to eat very much), sweaty feet ( I couldn't wear socks), sweaty hands.

         During break it was so hard for me to do even simple tasks, because even doing something as simple as walking to another room for something could set off a panic attack so easily. This made me sad, because I felt like my family wasn't getting to see my true self, just my chained self.  But I am beyond blessed that my parents helped me without question during this whole situation with patience. It is a hard thing right now, but eventually God will bring me into freedom from this, and they'll get to see the true me.  But until then I will just have to keep fighting, and that's okay.