The one who Comes to Destroy

         Today I'm doing good. After months of darkness, I found victory! Although victory had come weeks ago for me it is only in the last couple days I have felt it. Coming into great victory should feel amazing. But I didn't feel it. That's because the same one that came and attacked me, wanted to steal my joy. Make me feel less then content when I should feel the utmost joy and strength. He is cunning, he is the Prince of Lies, and hes the one that comes to destroy God's kingdom. I made him angry. He saw the ground I was taking in my walk with God for his kingdom, and he didn't like it. So he played dirty. He knew one of my biggest weaknesses, and used it to send me deep into a pit. But with God, the devil has no victory. He never did and never will. The devil attacks aren't pathetic, they actually exude strength. The blow I took from this attack, rendered me helpless. I was stuck. Really stuck.I didn't know what to do. Most days, especially in the beginning my goal was just to survive.

        Finals week in December was one of the worst weeks of my life. The devil was smart and I declined slowly over a month. Since the effect of his attack affected me little by little I didn't notice it or try to combat it until it was too late. Somehow I made it through Finals Week without giving up, even though when I made it to each classroom I cried. Random spurts of uncontrollable tears. Shame for feeling all these things as a follower of Jesus. But Jesus was there with me through all of this, holding me. I gained strength little by little each week. Even if it was tiny, and seemingly insignificant. The first couple of weeks of my Winter Break I could literally barely move being so trapped by a severe amount of irrational fears. I was angry that I was so helpless, not being able to do the easiest tasks by myself or without a lot of help.

      I got through it though. God's children are warriors. They fight back, and we have the king of kings on our side, and the power of the living God within us. Knowing I had come out victorious, the devil played a trick on my brain, making me not realize the significance of coming out of the battle. The fact that it was a great victory! The fact that God was so proud and is so proud of me. The thankfulness I have towards God for giving me this strength to endure the battle and not let it defeat me in the first place.

Decisions

   It's one of those moments.  A fork in the road.  Which route do you take? What if you choose the wrong path?

   Right now I'm not at peace with being at Parkside. I'm conflicted. But I'm not sure the reason of the confliction. Is it driven by fear. The fear of having just pulled myself out of a deep hole, I'll fall back into it. Could it be compared to someone walking on their broken leg before it was fully healed.Am I to weak yet and need to build my strength instead of doing these classes at half strength.  Is the confliction driven by the devil who is looking to deceive me, and make me feel unrest. Is God providing these conflicting thoughts so I'll get out of Parkside? If I just knew what God wanted I'd find peace. I'd find peace with being at Parkside if this is what he wanted of me. I find myself wishing to be a commuter sometimes, because at the end of the day they get to be home with pets and family. Never before have I questioned in a season if I should be at Parkside. This is the first time. I'm struggling to hear the answer. So this is where I'm at. Hopefully I come to a conclusion soon. I'm hoping God will speak clearly to me.