There's a lot that's been hard for me in these past couple of months. It's hard to put it into words, but I'll try the best that I can. I feel a big sense of loneliness mostly, and I guess fear of man. Not because I'm insecure about myself, but because I'm insecure about how others perceive me. It's come to a point where both these things are so weighted on my heart I can't feel God's peace and healing that he wants to bring into my heart.

    Why do I feel loneliness? Ever since taking a big stand in the pro-life movement I have lost friends. People who were really close to me, are offended by my viewpoints. I know it's for the better but having 4 people you used to regularly speak to walk out of your life is a hard thing. Marriage of close friends is another reason I'm lonely. For one reason or another all of my closest friends in the church have gotten married in the past year. Being in a season of transition from these friends being able to hang out with me a lot to having a very restricted schedule has also been tough on me. I haven't gotten the chance to hang out one on one with a friend in months due to this new dynamic.  At church I feel like I'm a big third wheel. In Racine it's me and Kyrri as single women young adults and if one of us isn't there, I feel lost. I don't want to intrude on anyone's relationships by sitting by a couple, and I don't want to sit by the single ladies who are 10+ years older than me. Once in awhile is good, but not every week I feel.

   Fear of man. I've been feeling this sense of disconnect for awhile now, and I never knew where it came from, but now I figured out what it is as shared above. I feel like people have prejudgments of who they think I am but don't really know who I am. Even people who I've known for these 5 years while being in the church, and it hurts me deeply. People I thought knew me too, don't seem to either. I've worked all my life to not be seen as the quiet, reserved one, and I feel like I'm being put back in that box, and that people even talk to me differently because of that. It's really saddens and frustrates me. In life I feel like I've been continually rejected and overlooked, and I'm afraid this pattern will continue.

Discontent in singleness. I've come to a place of discontentment in being single. After experiencing rejection a lot of my life, I'm have a big fear that I'll just remain single forever. Especially looking around me and seeing all these married couples, it just makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Doing things alone everyday gets super lonely after awhile. Not having that one person to share adventures with, or to encourage you and help you grow. A person made perfectly for you. I know that singleness is a good thing, and I want to find joy in it, but that's not where I'm at, and it's gotten to the point where I'm wrestling with God as to why I seem to go through a lot more hard things in life than many others do. I feel guilty for wrestling with God now too on top of everything else, because I know he is good and I shouldn't be questioning him like I am.

I keep thinking back to a word that Grace gave me at homegroup about being dressed in God's armor but cowering in a corner. I guess that's an accurate picture of where I'm at in these struggles. The bitterness has kept me from reaching out to God effectively.