I went to Parkside knowing absolutely no one, but with my brother going to Carthage in the same city about 5 minutes away. I had very little experience staying somewhere away from home for even a couple days, so making a move even just a little over an hour away was a big thing for me. Especially with frequent panic attacks. Going somewhere without knowing anyone and living there, in a room with someone I had never met was also intimidating. I had no one to lean on in the beginning which was really hard, but it really gave me a opportunity to start over in away after being categorized as an outcast all throughout high school. That label stuck with me there, but when I removed myself from those people then I had the opportunity to be who I really was. Not having anyone to lean on also forced me to interact with many different people, because I didn't want to feel alone on the campus. It also made me vulnerable, because I didn't know who to stay away from. I had mixed results with who I befriended those first couple of weeks at college. A popular Christian guy who played guitar, a group of theatre kids, my roommate and on of her good friends, the people on my floor, and a girl who became a really close friend of mine. I would always be able to count on her to go places with, eat dinner with, hang out, or just talk. I am so thankful that I befriended her so early on, even though she has currently walked out of my life.
There were a few guys who lived on my floor that I put at a distance from me. They seemed suspicious to me, and I felt like when they said hi to me when we crossed paths it was mocking like I had experienced with the guys in high school. I felt that way, until one of the guys showed interest in me.In hindsight I wouldn't have let this situation happen today, but back then it did. I wanted my freedom from having to follow God, since college was a place of new freedoms, but God quickly showed me within a month and a half of being at college that life without him, sucked. It really sucked. This guy showed interest in me, and we had a fling for like a week. A fling because he didn't care to make it anything more than that and it was very short-lived due to it's intensity, and the fact I wasn't the only girl in his life. It sucked, the first guy I had put trust in ended up betraying me. Looking back I feel bad for him though, he was in a bad place himself. Depression, drugs, alcohol, is what mattered most to him, and being that I'm an empath I thought I could help him. I couldn't. I tried to remain friends with the people on my floor, but I began to realize they were way different than I was/wanted to be. Drama, drinking, partying, doing drugs, low self-esteem, I ended up moving to a different floor at the end of the semester.
Before that things got worse, but they also got way better too in a short amount of time. When I was dealing with the loss of trust from the first guy I was preyed on by a guy a significant amount older than me. I was 18 and he was 25 which may not seem like much, but as we established at the beginning a ton has happened to me between just 18-23. He was in one of my classes, but got to know him more at a karaoke event the college was putting on that week. I was aware of the age difference when I first met him, and it mattered to me. I didn't even see him as anymore than like an older brother figure and remember telling him that. He made me laugh and cheered me up, and I wanted nothing more than to be his friends. We could have been friends, but unfortunately he was a manipulator, and I was his prey. Recently entering college, unsure of what I wanted, dealing with getting hurt. He could tell, and he wormed himself in. In hindsight I would have never let this happen, but it did. He made me believe he just wanted me to be his friend then at the right/wrong time he made his move. I remember being really conflicted about the whole situation. Is this what I wanted, no not really, but he was telling me I did, so maybe I should just give in. When I was conflicted about one of the things he was doing he would assure me it was okay, so I thought it probably was. Looking bad I feel so stupid for not seeing the red flags, but also still angry about what he had done. It was very inconsistent he'd blow me off then beg me to come over, and I made the mistake of actually going. I would never as a single lady go into a guys room alone unless I knew them really really well so that was my first mistake.
As I writing this I realize that a whole bunch happened my first year of college, and the paragraphs I've written so far only encompass the first month of college. Since so many things happened at once I may have written some things out of order. About the 2nd week into the semester I decided I wanted to check out the Christian group on campus, since I had been semi-involved in high school and have probably been to at least 12 churches with friends at this point. I remember one guy specifically smiling super big,super excited about the club meeting for the night. I remember thinking the words "Jesus Freak" when I first met him. His biggest joys in life turned out to be loving Jesus, music, apple products, Pokemon, tie-dye, and girl, and would become one of my closest friends for about a year and a half before we stopped talking altogether. From the first meeting I learned about the Fall Retreat that would be happening the very next weekend. I decided that I wanted to go, even after knowing basically no one in the group. It was at that retreat where I decided to take my Christianity seriously and gave my life to God fully. I got to know the other people in that group better as well. It was there I knew I had to get rid of the 25 year old guy completely, so the week after the retreat I told him I didn't want to ever talk again. He didn't seem to care about losing contact with me, and did leave me alone.....until one day in the class we had together he tried to be in my group for a class project. I was not having it and emailed my feminist teacher about the situation and about why he couldn't be in my group and she made sure he was not in my group, and made a big deal of him walking in late to the next class. Throughout the rest of his time at Parkside I was on the look out to make sure he didn't take advantage of anymore younger girls.
During the days before the Fall retreat the smiley Jesus Freak guy was on my dorm floor inviting everyone to a bible study that was going on that same day. Before he had appeared on my dorm floor I had also been asked if I wanted to go to a frat party. So I had a dilemma, do to the bible study, or go to a frat party with a dude I had never met. I thankfully chose to go to the bible study. The week after the fall retreat I met the guy who lead worship for the Christian group on campus. We both liked the same music so each week we would exchange song suggestions with each other. Later in the semester he invited me to go to church with him. (The church I have been in going on 5 years now.) He had a passion for God, was encouraging to everyone he met, and was very kind. His encouragement and passion for God caused the same within me, and I became in love with church and things related to Jesus, and I am so appreciative that he believed in me.
(Side note: this was really long but the following years won't be as long, not as much content as this one).
(Pictures from Year 1, Semester 1).
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