Healing

     I don't know how long it will take to recover, but I know I shouldn't be ashamed. I know that's easier said than done when the thoughts get so loud. I have good reason to have experienced such sadness. It turns out working with at risk youth affected me more than I thought. It should have been easy for me after taking a short break to transfer to working at a new school, an easier one, but that didn't turn out to be the case. The unknown as to why I felt like I couldn't go through the day without intense emotions scared me. Why in an environment that was a lot easier than what I was used to caused me to feel this way? I guess it was because of the unprocessed trauma that Hillcrest had caused that I was unable to feel until I was out of the environment. When I was working there, I didn't have time to process what was happening, I just had to get through it. At that on top of three deaths. The most important being my grandma. The last happening on New Year's Eve to my sister-in-laws mother who is very much like my own mother. (Having MS and a low immune system). I don't know why they all had to die in the same year, why a lot of people seem to be dying at the moment. With my emotions and these facts it seems really helpless, but I know when I am weak you are strong. I might not know the answers to these questions, God, but you do.           

   Coming back from a mostly happy Christmas break I didn't want to go back to work as I'm sure no one really does. I usually feel sad leaving home to go back to Kenosha, but I really broke down this time. I couldn't stop crying on the way back to Kenosha. I felt that even though this was the case that when I got to work I'd be ready to work. Things didn't go as planned, and I started crying and couldn't stop, so I was sent home early. It made me feel helpless. I was able to deal with so much more before, I had been doing really well, how long would it take to feel better again, why was I feeling such intense emotions, the kids didn't even do anything stressful, and so on. I felt crazy talking to my boss full of tears, not being really able to explain why I was balling in his office. 

    I guess it's because of post traumatic stress disorder. It's not a term I use lightly. Working in a school environment again after leaving Hillcrest triggered these intense emotions and being overwhelmed. Even with elementary school aged kids. The feelings followed me home, and this overwhelming feelings and the thoughts with it made time go by painfully slow. The feeling made me feel the opposite of who I was, and it was painful to experience them. I didn't know how I would get through the work week, and really didn't think I'd be able to so I scheduled a doctor's appointment. The doctor gave me a higher dose of medication and suggested I get out of the education field. She also filled out a form that would give me additional time off to recover. So that's what I'm doing. Going back home to stay with my parents has eased a lot of the pain, and I am so thankful for that. (After going back to my apartment Monday and into Tuesday the intense sadness stuck with me, and didn't really let up. It's one of the worst feelings, I thought it would be weeks at least until I felt okay again. There's still a lot to figure out though. My past boss helped me get this job at the elementary school, and I don't want to leave them but I really don't know if I'd be able to handle this job at the moment I'm terrified of going back, and the same thing happening. Intense emotions and crying. Four really hard days, was enough for me. The education field is also going through a lot right now with the trauma 2020 has caused. The kids are really unregulated and have less control than usual. 

    I guess I just need to take it one step at a time. I'll return to feeling myself again. Hopefully the days of intense sadness and anxiety are behind me for awhile. I just have to take it easy, and even though that's annoying because it doesn't feel like being an adult. I'll try to be nice to myself, because it's okay and I'm going to be okay. I'm not alone I have an incredible God, an incredible family, and incredible friends who care so much, and will help in anyway they can. I just have to put my hope in the Lord. 

 26  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:26-27 

Denver Day 4: Larimer Square and Camp Christmas

   For Day 4 I wanted to travel to Union Station and Larimer Square after researching that a lot of people really liked these places and they were near each other. Not wanting to pay too much for parking I went on SpotHero which is a lifesaver for finding cheap parking in the area. (Just make sure the parking is less than a mile away, a mile actually is farther walking distance then you think. I've made this mistake before.) I ended up finding a parking garage less than a block away from Union Station and reserved a parking spot beforehand. As I did more research on Union Station in Denver I realized it had recently been on the news for not good things. Apparently they had to increase the police presence due to violence and drug issues. I decided maybe Union Station wasn't a good idea after all, but the parking was still close enough to get to Larimer Square. 

   When I got to the parking garage and outside of Union Station I noticed the police presence and felt safer, so I decided to go inside. Inside Union Station there was a beautiful Christmas tree set up. I didn't spend much time there as there actually wasn't much to it besides a few restaurants and shops, but it was a beautiful building. Union Station is a block away from the 16th st. mall where Larimer Square is located. Along 16th st. there are a few free shuttles that stop at each different street of the mall. I got on and took the shuttle to Larimer St. where I then walked to Larimer Square. Larimer Square is a block of restaurants and shops with lights overhanging between the buildings. The shops in Larimer Square contained a lot of retro clothing for sale. Larimer Square is blocked off from traffic. I had seen a really cool retro music themed cafe online while researching the area and searched to find it, however it turned out to be permanently closed, so I couldnt get my picture taken with life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Beatles while drinking coffee. 😔 After looking around Larimer Square I went and got a smoothie from the Juice Kitchen along the 16th St. Mall which was delicious. I browsed some more shops then took the free shuttle back to Union Station. While walking around the 16th st. Mall a lady asked me if I wanted to join her bible study. I told her I didn't live in the area but I believed in God.  She told me her church was the only one that believed both in God the Mother and God the Father, they even had a church in Wisconsin. I kindly ended the conversation soon after. 🤪I then went back to my AirBNB where I ordered pad thai and egg rolls via Grubhub. I ate then rested before driving to Lakewood for Camp Christmas. 

    Camp Christmas is an interactive Christmas lights display put on by the Denver Performing Arts Center at Belmar Park. Belmar park is actually a historical site and has pieces of old Colorado buildings/objects, as well as a mini museum on site as well. One person had donated different things from a hair salon her and her husband ran decades ago. This equipment was decorated with Christmas decor so it was like you were walking into an old hair salon that was decorated for Christmas. There was also an old country cabin decorated with vintage holiday items, a shed fall of hanging disco balls, a fairy Christmas room, and a room full of pink Christmas decor as well as others. It was a ton of fun looking at all the lights and looking at the ways they decorated the rooms. There was a lot of different places to take pictures including a negative baggage area you could pose at. Since it was put on by the Denver Performing Arts Center I thought there would be actors on scene but there wasn't.  However, I don't know if that would have improved the experience or made it weird. Camp Christmas is highly worth checking out. Returning to my AirBNB I knew it was my last night I'd be there so after eating leftover pad thai I took advantage of the hot tub. There's something about being in a hot tub on a winter night that is such a pleasant experience. 

Denver Trip Day 3: Echo Lake and Indian Hot Springs

     I slept in for awhile this day then packed some crackers and a water in my bag for a hike. I made peanut butter toast before heading out. When researching hikes to do near Denver, I came upon St. Mary's glacier. The views of the alpine lake with the mountains in the background looked amazing. I again drove the same way I had gone the night before to get to Georgetown, but not as long to get to the trailhead. Getting to the trailhead took a lot of weaving back and forth. The winds increased the higher up I got, and it even started snowing. When I got up to the trailhead parking lot I looked up at the trail. The trail looked really steep and rocky not to mention it was really cold. I decided without spikes on my shoes or other equipment that it wouldn't be worth the attempt to hike up the trail. I ended up driving to a nearby town which I would be stopping by later in the day to go to the Indian Hot Springs there. 

     Idaho Springs, like Georgetown was a cute little mining town. I looked up nearby coffee shops and found an awesome little coffee shop called "The Frothy Cup". There were other coffee shops nearby, but the name of this one appealed to me the most. It ended up being as great as the name sounded. There was plenty of seating, a big menu, and the employees were very nice and accommodating. I ordered an eggnog latte which was very delicious. After my visit to the coffee shop I visited some of the other shops, but decided I really wanted to see some mountain scenery in the afternoon sometime before it got dark. I asked one of the employees in a shop if he had any recommended hikes, and one of the places he recommended was Echo Lake. Echo Lake was nearby and I looked it up after leaving the shop. The pictures were gorgeous so I decided I would go there, Unfortunately some of the trails and roads are closed during winter for safety reasons. One of the trails ended up being closed for Echo Lake. I could see the lake from where my car was parked, and didn't necessarily need a trail to see the lake so I took in the view from there. The wind was very strong at Echo Lake as well and it was cold, but after living in Wisconsin my whole life it was bearable. I ended up finding a trail and started walking on it. Then I started to think about how I was walking alone....in nature.....and how an animal could easily attack me if it wanted pretty easily, I decided it wasn't a good idea afterall and went back to my car. I then drove back towards the lake and found another parking lot with a trail that actually went near the shore of the lake. Another car came into the parking lot and parked so I waited for them to get out, and went onto the trail a little bit after they did. I did this because I didn't want to be alone walking on a trail again. However the trail was really short so I didn't have to worry too much. The group of people I had followed in asked me to take their picture and then took mine. The sun was very bright so the lighting in the pictures turned out pretty bad. The lake was also mostly frozen, but it was gorgeous and I was glad I drove to see it. One of the girls introduced herself to me, I told her a little bit about myself, then she asked if I had an Instagram and if we could be friends. She looked normal enough and was about my age and appeared to have a twin sister within the group. Before she asked she said "I know this is strange but" I don't know if she was just really friendly or had other motives and I guess I might never know. I kindly gave her my Instagram username (the wrong one on accident) and she gave me her number and told me she worked at a restaurant in Denver. She said that if I came tomorrow that she would pay for my dinner. I didn't end up going. She never gave me a time or pressured me into giving information which I feel like manipulators would do, but I couldn't take any chances. I walked the small trail along the side of the lake then went back to my car and drove to the hot springs. 

    The hot springs were definitely one of my favorite things of the whole trip. Especially the private hot springs located in a cave. The Native Americans had discovered these hot springs, and used them as a sort of healing element. Within the resort there are a lot of options. You can stay over in hotel rooms, get massages, take a mud bath, go to a public hot spring called "the pool", reserve a private bath, reserve outdoor hot tubs, or go into a private cave hot spring. I did a combo which included "the pool" and the cave hot spring. I changed into my swimsuit and then went into the pool. The pool was in a greenhouse type of place with tropical plants in planters around the pool. The pool was nice, but felt almost like a normal pool. There were kids treating it like a normal pool. It was still cool anyway. I spent about 15 minutes in "the pool" before going into the private caves. The caves were separated by gender, and were perfectly quiet. There were 3 hot springs, each in increasing temperature from front to back. The temperature of the caves was also high, so it felt like you were in a sauna as well. Only one other woman was utilizing one of the hot springs at the time, and she ended up leaving so I had the cave to myself for awhile. It felt like pure relaxation. Picture your best hot tub experience and multiply it by two, add a sauna, and the smell of eucalyptus and you get the Indian hot springs. Getting out of the hot spring and walking was a little bit hard on my body as it was so hot, but I managed. I ended up sitting in a hallway outside the cave on a bench to cool down before reentering again. The process of cooling my body down was very calming as well. I went in a second time and tried a different hot spring then went out again to sit on the same bench. I was then satisfied with my visit, and decided it was time to leave. I left and went down the street to a Subway before heading back to my AirBNB for the night. 

Denver Trip Day 2: 16th St. Mall and Georgetown Train

   In the morning I traveled to downtown Denver to visit the 16th St. Mall. The 16th St. Mall is a mile of stores that could be found at a mall, hence the name. There is also restaurants and souvenir shops throughout. There are also free mall buses that stop at each block of the mall, which is really nice. You can get to the specific places you want to go to way quicker. I started at the block of the mall closest to a public parking garage I had found that charged way too much. 😛 One of the first things I spotted without trying was the Hard Rock Cafe. Being an avid music fan I knew I had to stop. I checked out their gift shop first and got a few things included a guitar shaped pin with Denver attractions that said Hard Rock Cafe on it and a Mason jar that also said Hard Rock Cafe Denver on it. (You can pay extra on your drinks to get a free glass or Mason jar included with your purchase after your meal.) I signed up for the rewards program while in the gift shop then sat in the restaurant part for lunch. I ordered the nachos. For joining the rewards program you got free dessert. The free dessert ended up being a piece of cheesecake or a giant sundae, which I was pleased to get. After finishing my nachos and icecream I looked at some of the music memorabilia that was there. This particular hard rock cafe was two stories. Two memorable items at this hard rock were a suit John Lennon wore to the Grammy's and the sled the Beatles used while filming the movie, "Help". As decoration for Christmas the restaurant had their small stage decorated with a Christmas tree, and a drum set. The photo op was too good to pass up. 

   While shopping at the "mall" I was able to pick up a Christmas gift for my dad and brother.  At one of the shops the cashier talked about his experience living in Denver and was actually excited for the forecasted snow later in the week because he felt the snow really made Denver shine. I was okay with not seeing snow while in Denver. 

   I then went to the AirBNB for a quick rest before traveling to Georgetown for the "Christmas Train". Georgetown is a historical mining town where in the late 1800s gold and silver were found. The Georgetown loop train is a steam powered train that drives through the mountains on a recreated track that used to be there. Georgetown was an hour to travel too so I made sure I left 1 hr. 20min before my reservation at 5pm. I went through some Denver traffic, and so my GPS updated my ETA to 4:58pm. Two minutes before the train would begin to leave. I called the place telling them what my ETA was and drove a little faster than I should have. The place said they would hold the train for me. Even driving faster than I should have I still arrived at 4:58pm. (Suffice to say Google Maps has an insane standard for ETAs). I hurriedly walked to get onto the train, but was stopped. Apparently you had to have a printed out ticket and a digital ticket wouldn't be enough. An employee told me to go print out a ticket, and that the train was leaving. I was very frustrated after having driven so long. I didnt think they would be able to schedule me for the next one, but they did. Unfortunately the next train wouldn't be until 6:30. At that time all the shops were closed in Georgetown so I settled for a coffee shop and waited for time to pass then drove back up to the train depot. The train was near the top of a mountain so it was really windy and snowy up there. When you drove a little ways down the snow disappeared which was a strange occurence.     On the train there were three different sections of train to choose from. One with tables, I sat in the cheapest section which had a bench on each side of the train to sit on and no food or drink offered. Outside were Christmas light displays you could look at as the train was driving. One of the employees said it took them four months out of the year to set up the displays and decorate the train cars. The lights were beautiful but hard to take pictures of. All in all I think this was a much more magical experiences for the kids that were on the train then for adults, although I did enjoy knowing the history of Georgetown and the train while riding along. I'm thinking I would have much more enjoyed riding the train during the day and seeing the mountains and other scenery than Christmas lights, but I'm glad I did it. 

   The ride to and from Georgetown can best be described as "a long and winding road" or in this case highway. A highway to get around all the mountains or in the case of the Memorial Tunnel, through the mountain. It definitely makes driving in Colorado more interesting. Driving west means driving towards the mountains, and driving back to Denver meant the opposite. Although the city lights of Denver at night were really something else. I am always so mesmerized seeing city lights at night. 

Emotions, Accountability, and God

   Emotions are hard, and your brain can suck sometimes. This week was an emotional week for me. Tuesday and Wednesday being the hardest. I started working at a new school (Grewenow) after having a break after leaving the last school (Hillcrest). I was excited to work at a new school, after the high stress intensity of Hillcrest. I didnt go into this week with a negative mindset, but my brain had other plans. 

    On Tuesday my emotions hit me really hard, and by the second hour of the workday I was on the verge of crying most of the day. I had to continually wipe my eyes and try to calm down. By the afternoon I was able to control it a little, but it freaked me out. I was glad when the end of day came, thinking when I went home I would feel better, but I didn't.  Instead I felt full of anxiety, and had thoughts of wanting to quit, because I really didn't think I could make it the rest of the week working there. 

   When Wednesday came around and I couldn't make it past 9:30am before having to go home from being on the verge of crying again, I beat myself up. Who cries on their first week of work? Why was I even crying, Grewenow was nothing like Hillcrest? Was I not ready to do this job? I feel so immature? What do the other staff think of me? What if my mental health is declining? Theres no reason I should be feeling this way. I was fine last week,  and on and on,ruminating. The thoughts were so strong and so powerful that I thought distraction would be the only way to help. Knowing that distraction would only add as a little bit of a buffer. The negative thoughts seemed stronger than the positive ones. I called a friend from the church, and we talked for an hour. It didn't seem to help at the time, when talking to someone usually does for me. She pointed me to Jesus, and told me not to give up on my job, or make big decisions based on my emotions, also to quit beating myself up. In the hard times when the bad thoughts seem to outweigh the good, pray even when you don't feel like it's working because it is. The truth is I hadn't gone to church in the last three weeks, and hadn't been praying much or reading the Bible. When you've gone awhile without these things, you can start to feel off. Thursday morning I put on worship music when I got up. I didnt tear up when I got to work. I had a stomachache but finally things seemed a lot more manageable. I was getting to know the job more, feeling less isolated, etc. 

   The reason why I felt these intense emotions comes down to a plethora of reasons. 1)unprocessed emotions from working at Hillcrest surfacing 2) unprocessed emotions of grief from my grandmas death earlier in the fall 3) fear of mental health decline 4) other people's health worries 5) Satan trying to make me give up and focus on these bad feelings. The devil knows I have been most challenged in life through my journey with anxiety. He used it as a way to see myself as weak. The truth is he doesn't want me to realize how strong I really am. He wants to destroy God's plan for my life. He wants to destroy the positive impacts I'll have on these kid's lives, etc. The truth is I had a really valid reason to feel all these emotions so strongly, and it sucks that they all had to be felt at once.  The truth is when God looks at me he sees a mighty warrior. I may not see it or feel it, but that's okay because God does, and he'll only use this experience to make me stronger. He works everything together for good, we need only to trust in him. I can trust in him when things are hard, and seem impossible. 

My Adventure to Denver (Day 1)

        The solo trip I took to Denver was a very last minute decision. Beginning Thanksgiving day- December 12th, I got approved to take a two week break before starting at a new job. (I'll make another post on that later. Why I switched to working at a different school etc.) I knew I would probably be approved for the two-week break, but nothing was finalized until November 23rd..

    I began looking up flight prices for multiple different cities. I was kind of hoping to travel somewhere coastal. Dana Point (I'd loved traveling to California both the times I had before, and had heard this was a beautiful place), Lake Tahoe (a lake I had saw a picture shared of online. The water is super blue and clear and the area looked mesmerizing), Jacksonville (I had yet to visit Florida), Texas (I hadn't visited Texas yet and heard it was nice). I had also considered driving out to Nashville, as multiple friends of mine had really liked the city. Unfortunately a lot of these flights had layovers, and weren't the cheapest. Not only was flying to Lake Tahoe not cheap, it was also cold there in December, and if I was going to travel it had to be at least a little warmer than Wisconsin in December. 😋Since a lot of flights had layovers in Denver, you could get tickets to Denver pretty cheap, and having had flown into the Denver airport twice before I knew it was a good choice. The Rocky Mountains are more beautiful than the Smokey Mountains, I will fight you on this. Despite being in the mountains the weather forecast for Denver was warmer than Wisconsin's too. (It is quite a bit more south than WI too.) 

    I'm actually surprised with how last minute everything was booked, that it went as well as it did. With no big problems, which always seem to occur when I'm traveling. My AirBNB was perfect in location, and aesthetic. The activities I chose to do, and booked ahead of time were all great, etc. I watched quite a few videos on things to do in Denver, and near Denver before my trip. 

   My flight was set to leave at 8:35ish in the morning, meaning I had to get to the airport earlier than I would have liked to in the morning. I made it to the airport in plenty of time, and felt pretty accomplished. The flight ended up getting delayed for boarding about 15 minutes. I noticed that traveling alone, gives you the opportunity to talk to more people potentially, or people you wouldn't have, had you gone with someone. For instance while waiting for the plane to arrive an older guy made a joke about how he liked my black paper mask. Said guy was also wearing a black paper mask. He asked me where I got it, and we started talking. It turned out he was a Psychology professor at MSOE, I told him how I had been a psychology major, which started a conversation on psychology which went mostly way over my head in what he was saying but it felt cool to have had that conversation anyway. The airplane I ended up on was a smaller plane even though I was flying through United with about 20 rows of two seats on each side. We would end being let out on the runway instead of into the airport through the connecting portals, but our flight also was a little late getting to Denver.  

  I flew out of Wisconsin at the perfect time, as it started snowing after my plane took off and the temperature dropped. It was in the 50's when I landed in Colorado at around 11am Colorado time. I then made my way to the baggage claim, which at the Denver airport requires riding an underground subway to the different terminals and baggage claim. I wasn't expecting to get on, and get off right away at the next stop, so I ended up riding the subway too long and had to get off, and get on another one. By the time I made it to baggage claim, my bag was with one of the airport staff. I grabbed it and then took a shuttle to the car rental place. There was a line to rent cars, so it took a bit, but finally I was given my car for the week. A black Nissan Ultima, that you could drive 500 miles before having to fill up the gas tank. (I drove a little over 400 miles in my five days in Colorado.) I thought that when I had gotten my rental car, I'd explore downtown, but I was exhausted after getting little sleep the night before etc. I stopped for lunch at a restaurant down the street from my AirBNB called Chop Shop. The Chop Shop has a lot of interesting food combinations. I ended up ordering the shrimp fried rice with bacon, edamame, an over easy egg, snow peas, etc. It overall tasted good, although I think it would have been better without the bacon pieces, which added a weird flavor. The rest of the night I spent resting at the AirBNB, and making a quick stop to Safeway to buy a few things. 

 

Nana

 

      Death is strange. Someone who made a huge impact on your life, is suddenly gone, and the world keeps on moving. You wish it would stop until you feel okay enough to live life again, but time stops for no one. On Monday morning, the bus will come to pick up kids for school, people will get up and go to work, while I’m grieving you.

                I can almost pretend it didn’t happen, and that’ll I’ll see you again. Not think too much about it so I can go about my day without breaking down thinking about what life will be like without you. I can almost pretend you’re still alive, and the next time I come home to visit I’d see you, and tell you about my life.

                But you won’t be there. I won’t see your beautiful blue eyes light up when I walk into a room. I won’t hear you say that you’re so proud of me, that you love me, and are so thankful for me. I won’t get a card from you anymore for different occasions like my birthday or Christmas. I won’t get to watch TV, complain about the news with you, or make you laugh anymore. I will cherish the time we did spend together. I am especially thankful for 2020. How it made me move back home, and how because of that I got to see you weekly or multiple times a week. To keep you company, to warm up dinner for you, to wash your dishes, or get your mail. I loved doing absolutely anything I could for you. I would spend time with you, and I remember whenever I had to go it was sad, because the time we did spend together was never enough.

     Thank you for always loving me so much. I’ll remember sleepovers at your trailer and house in Campbellsport. How you were there when my anxiety was all consuming as a child, and didn’t treat me any differently. How when I was being bullied for my extremely curly hair, you always saw one of the most beautiful girls you had ever known. I wish we had more time together, and would have visited more. But that’s what death does. You always wish you had spent more time together. I am thankful for the 25 years we did have together.

                It’s hard to know what to say when the people who have no idea what just happened ask you how you are. Do I lie and say good, or explain why I’m just okay or less than okay. I don’t want to have to explain, and make them feel sorry for me. I honestly feel like I should feel worse than I do, but I know it will fully hit me in waves. That it’ll be hard, and then a wave of grief will hit me again in a few months.

                We selfishly hold onto things that God wants us to give up, usually promising better things. It’s that way with you. I wanted to hold onto you, but knew that letting go would mean eternity in God’s presence. A place you’d no longer feel pain, but pure contentment, because you were finally where you were created to be. Only in the full presence of God can we be fully happy. Finally you get to be with your creator, after living a really rough life. Most people would have been bitter, but you were kind-hearted. I’m thankful that the last time I was with you, you responded to my voice and opened your eyes.

                Very recently I used to want Jesus to wait to come back to the Earth, as is promised in the Bible. A lot of people think that time is very soon, but who knows. The thought of it made me anxious, because for some contradictory reason I felt like I wanted to hit more milestones in life before he would come back. Falling in love, getting married, having a family etc. This is contradictory because our soul was made to be with God, and the things of this world weren’t meant for us as Christians. I don’t have to be as anxious anymore, because the sooner that he comes the sooner my soul will be fulfilled, and the sooner I’ll get to see you again. My last living grandparent.