I don't know how long it will take to recover, but I know I shouldn't be ashamed. I know that's easier said than done when the thoughts get so loud. I have good reason to have experienced such sadness. It turns out working with at risk youth affected me more than I thought. It should have been easy for me after taking a short break to transfer to working at a new school, an easier one, but that didn't turn out to be the case. The unknown as to why I felt like I couldn't go through the day without intense emotions scared me. Why in an environment that was a lot easier than what I was used to caused me to feel this way? I guess it was because of the unprocessed trauma that Hillcrest had caused that I was unable to feel until I was out of the environment. When I was working there, I didn't have time to process what was happening, I just had to get through it. At that on top of three deaths. The most important being my grandma. The last happening on New Year's Eve to my sister-in-laws mother who is very much like my own mother. (Having MS and a low immune system). I don't know why they all had to die in the same year, why a lot of people seem to be dying at the moment. With my emotions and these facts it seems really helpless, but I know when I am weak you are strong. I might not know the answers to these questions, God, but you do.
Coming back from a mostly happy Christmas break I didn't want to go back to work as I'm sure no one really does. I usually feel sad leaving home to go back to Kenosha, but I really broke down this time. I couldn't stop crying on the way back to Kenosha. I felt that even though this was the case that when I got to work I'd be ready to work. Things didn't go as planned, and I started crying and couldn't stop, so I was sent home early. It made me feel helpless. I was able to deal with so much more before, I had been doing really well, how long would it take to feel better again, why was I feeling such intense emotions, the kids didn't even do anything stressful, and so on. I felt crazy talking to my boss full of tears, not being really able to explain why I was balling in his office.
I guess it's because of post traumatic stress disorder. It's not a term I use lightly. Working in a school environment again after leaving Hillcrest triggered these intense emotions and being overwhelmed. Even with elementary school aged kids. The feelings followed me home, and this overwhelming feelings and the thoughts with it made time go by painfully slow. The feeling made me feel the opposite of who I was, and it was painful to experience them. I didn't know how I would get through the work week, and really didn't think I'd be able to so I scheduled a doctor's appointment. The doctor gave me a higher dose of medication and suggested I get out of the education field. She also filled out a form that would give me additional time off to recover. So that's what I'm doing. Going back home to stay with my parents has eased a lot of the pain, and I am so thankful for that. (After going back to my apartment Monday and into Tuesday the intense sadness stuck with me, and didn't really let up. It's one of the worst feelings, I thought it would be weeks at least until I felt okay again. There's still a lot to figure out though. My past boss helped me get this job at the elementary school, and I don't want to leave them but I really don't know if I'd be able to handle this job at the moment I'm terrified of going back, and the same thing happening. Intense emotions and crying. Four really hard days, was enough for me. The education field is also going through a lot right now with the trauma 2020 has caused. The kids are really unregulated and have less control than usual.
I guess I just need to take it one step at a time. I'll return to feeling myself again. Hopefully the days of intense sadness and anxiety are behind me for awhile. I just have to take it easy, and even though that's annoying because it doesn't feel like being an adult. I'll try to be nice to myself, because it's okay and I'm going to be okay. I'm not alone I have an incredible God, an incredible family, and incredible friends who care so much, and will help in anyway they can. I just have to put my hope in the Lord.
26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:26-27
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