Being Vulnerable

      I try to be upbeat and positive in all my posts, but that isn't going to be the case today. I hate that even though I'm usually a happy person, that today that's not me. So I just thought it would help to write about it. Maybe it will improve things.  I really hope so.

      I haven't been feeling myself lately. My insecurities are showing through, my social skills which I worked really hard to build has turned into painful shyness this last week and a half. Nothing traumatic in life happened to make me feel this way, so I wonder what happened to me? I don't like small talk, but I feel like that's all I've been able to manage lately. Why is it, that I fell in love with a church and the people in it, and it's been over a year, but I feel so awkward on Sundays.  I've been trying my very best to get to know these people, that it's so hard to see all the social interactions going on, even from people newer then me. I need to find my people, but it's so hard to be patient anymore, when you've been patient for so long.
          
         I was comfortable being by myself earlier this year, but now I just want people to share in life's experiences with me.  I feel a sense of boredom and wanting to be with people when I'm not. Like everyone else is surrounded by others, and it just makes me wonder why I'm alone so often. I know people get busy, and I'm busy too, but having everyone be busy sucks, or friends who live too far away. I envy the people who live close to their best friends. The people that don't have to think twice, because they always have someone by their sides.  I feel distant from people, I had no problem talking to before and that scares me. All these emotions have been building up from lack of intimacy in friendships I've been experiencing lately.
          
       Another thing I'm feeling is a sense of falling away from God, which is probably why I'm feeling all these emotions. I know he's as close as he was before.  But I just don't know how to get my life back on track with my faith.  I don't think I'm doing enough, and don't feel like I'm hearing from him as much as I should, and I'm not sure what to do. But I went to a church homegroup on Thursday and that helped a lot, but now that's over, and I don't know it's just been really hard. Especially today for some reason. Maybe its because it's the end of a tiring week. But I really don't want to be like this anymore. It just hurts when you want to do something so simple, and you just can't, even when you put in maximum effort.

Things I Didn't Think I'd Ever Do But Did

1) In May 2012 I went ziplining, despite having nightmares before going.  It was probably my favorite thing ever. 
                              

2) Go on giant rollercoasters, they had always intrigued me but actually going to Six Flags for the first time in June 2015 was really intimidating.  But I found that to be really fun too.
                                         

 

(This isn't a picture of one of the big rides I was talking about ;P)

 

3) Live away from home.  I always knew I would eventually do that, because everyone does , but I never thought I would so soon, and over an hour away. Being far away from a place of comfort seemed so scary. But God called me to the Kenosha/Racine area, and I'm so glad I came here.

4) Goes along with 3.  It's live with a roommate. When I was really young I used to share a room with my brother. But as we got older we had our separate rooms. So I was used to having a room alone. So I wasn't sure how being with a roommate would be. I thought it would be a lot harder than it actually was and that we would fight.  But that was never the case. :) Here's a picture of my most recent one

5) Traveling many states away without my family, and not being scared. When considering traveling at a younger age, I was always scared of what if something happened all those states away from home, and what would I do. I no longer have those fears anymore, and look forward to traveling more in the future. Last summer I traveled to Pennsylvania without fear for over a week.

6) Meet Tyler Oakley or see any of my favorite celebrities in person.  I already did a blog about this.

7) Live at someone else's house: So last year sometime, a girl from my church said she was staying with one of the other church families in the area, because she wasn't originally from here. (Which I've come to realize is a pretty common thing with Living Light.) I just remember thinking that was really weird, and wondered why she wouldn't have her own place etc. But now that girl is me.

 

8) Find Mature Guys. In high school I kind of loss hope in ever seeing such a thing as a mature boy in college. But within the first month of college, I found out there was such a thing, and now I have a lot of guy friends.

9) Be outgoing. Beat shyness. Yes I'm more introverted then extraverted, and I have some awkward times, and times of not knowing what to say.  But I found my voice in college. In high school people put judgments before ever getting to know you.  Judgments that stick with you all throughout middle, and high school, that maybe go as far back as elementary school. Those judgments never let people actually see who I really was, so I was treated disrespectfully and taken advantage of for being the quiet girl with friends who were labeled to be the weird outsider kids. In college I had a new beginning where absolutely no one knew me, and I was able to shine. The great thing about college is, there is no popularity, and you don't have to be a certain way to impress anyone, because people just like you are waiting to meet you. (Sorry for the rant this is just so so important.) I often wonder what people from high school would think of me now, now that I've been so true to who I am. I think they'd be surprised.

 

 

10) Fall in love with church. From a young age I did like church, but I liked it for the wrong reason.  I liked it because I thought it was the right thing to do in obeying God, and obeying God brought me joy.  Sitting through an hour long service in a Catholic church was considered boring for the most part. It was more of a chore to people. Something even though it was one hour a week people dreaded doing. So I never thought I would get butterflies in my stomach in excitement for going to church on Sundays. But I did, and I do.  Everyone deserves to find such a church that you can't wait for it to be Sunday, because you know amazing things will happen. I also found understanding when reading "The Bible" when normally I found it as a boring, confusing text.  Now the words in it are just so beautiful.  Because God actually wrote them all.   

 

 

I might add to this later, as in the past I was so afraid to do a lot of things, I'm sure I forgot some stuff. But here's my list of moments for now. :)

 

 



 



 

 





Some Photography

I've taken some really cool pictures recently, but didn't want to clog up anyone's newsfeed on Facebook by posting them, so I'll post them here :P


Racine Beach

 

 

 

Kenosha Beach

Petrifying Springs Park

 

 

Thanks you to Kelsey Welter for taking candid shots of me while we went on a nature walk, and thank you to Laurette Hargrove for taking pictures at the beach with me and my guitar. :D

  



Don't Meet Your Heroes?

In the past few months I have seen six of my favorite celebrities in real life.  Although I only got to actually meet one of them, I think the statement that you should never meet your heroes is wrong.  The thrill of seeing a music artist etc, in real life, not just on the Internet or on TV is just an amazing feeling.

Seeing Twenty-one-pilots       
     Twenty-one-pilots: I saw twenty-one-pilots on October 30th of last year with one of my best friends Amber. The day after which was Halloween I dressed up like Tyler Joseph in the blurryface era.  Complete with black jacket, red hat, black painted hands and neck.   I had actually seen them for the first time at Summerfest in 2013 before they were very well known.  My friend Amber and I wanted to see Grouplove and thought that twenty-one-pilots was a cool band title.  So we watched their show, and were blown away at how talented they actually were. We listened to their music all the time from that day on.

A Little About Twenty-one-Pilots
       Ever since they released their album "Blurryface" in May 2015, they have become highly known. You probably heard some of their songs on the radio like "Stressed Out", "Tear in My Heart", or "Ride".  The band is made up of two people Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun, and they don't fall under a certain genre of music, as each song is very different.  The lyrics mostly focus on mental illnesses.  Before releasing their "Blurryface" album they posted clues on Twitter to when some of their songs would be released and which ones.  If was super fun for me to try and solve the riddles, and made me even more excited about the album coming out.  Other music artists should take note. 



 Seeing Troye Sivan
       I saw Troye Sivan on February 20th of this year.  It was also the day before my mom's birthday, and I saw him with my friend Laurette.  I have been following Troye's life since August 2013, which doesn't seem that long but Troye's the same age as me, so it's kind of like we grew up together.  As I watched him mature I matured myself. During his concert, someone put a cheesehead on stage for him to wear.

 

A Little Bit About Troye Sivan

Troye Sivan started out as a YouTuber, posting his first cover on YouTube when he was just twelve. Troye also posted funny video sketches on YouTube, which is what he was most known for on YouTube.  He was also a young actor acting in X-Men Origins- Wolverine as young wolverine and in the Spud Movie Series. ( A popular book series in South Africa where he was born.) He would move to Australia at 2. He was signed to his singing career after he wrote and posted a song about "The Fault in Our Stars", and released his first full length album in December called "Blue Neighborhood"

 

 

Seeing/Meeting Tyler Oakley

 

    I already made a blogpost about my whole experience with meeting Tyler Oakley, so I won't bore you in repeating all of the details.  Main thing I wasn't expecting to see Tyler Oakley that day let alone meet him.  Also he is my favorite YouTuber, (if that wasn't obvious already) and the first YouTuber I obsessed over.  I started watching Tyler's videos in June 2013.  I met Tyler on April 21st of this year.  Throughout the years I have watched gain more and more popularity.  I had seen him on tour in October 2014 for the first time.

 

                                             A Little Bit About Tyler Oakley

 

 

       Tyler started posting videos on YouTube as a way to communicate with his high school friends when he was away at college, and keep them up to date on what was happening.  People actually started to watch those videos, even though that wasn't his intention and his fanbase slowly grew from there.  He now has over 8 million subscribers on YouTube.  In 2015 Tyler became very popular, and decided to go on tour.  His tour was called "The Slumber Party Tour" and I was at his first stop ever in Chicago In October 2014. He has also filmed a documentary called "Snervous" about his time on tour, wrote a book "Binge", and has a weekly podcast on ITunes with his friend Korey called "Psychobabble."  Besides that Tyler has appeared on Ellen, went to the White House and met Obama, and went on the Amazing Race and made it to the Final 3!

 

Seeing Dan and Phil

    Last Sunday May 29th I saw Dan and Phil.  Instead of putting on a normal show, where they just spoke to the audience for an hour like most YouTubers they actually put on their own theatrical type show.  They brought their YouTube channel worlds to the stage, and props to help you feel like you were in a different dimension with them.  The show also had a lot of audience interaction, so each show they do is a bit different. I went with my friend Alex from Parkside along with her twin sister Anne. We got lost in Milwaukee after the show trying to find the highway. They made it fun though. My friend Claire also ended up going to the show.  I saw her after the show, it had been 2 years since I had seen her, so it was a very exciting moment.

 

A Little bit More About Dan and Phil

      Dan and Phil, known on YouTube as Danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil are currently doing a US Tour after their book came out last December, called "The Amazing Book is Not on Fire" combining their channel names. Their tour name is similary being named: "The Amazing Tour is Not of Fire."

 

      Phil has been on YouTube for 10 years now, being on YouTube from the very beginning.  Putting out mostly comedy skits, or talking about relatable things in his life. 

 

        A lot of what Dan and Phil do are done together since they have been best friends for almost 8 years now.  Dan actually started out as a fan of Phil and would leave comments on his videos.  They ended up meeting in 2009, and became very close.  They got hired at BBC Radio together, wrote their book together, made two channels on YouTube together: "DanandPhilGames" and DanandPhilCrafts" which was an April Fool's Prank that went mainstream.  They are now on tour together as stated before.  Their personalities work so well together, its no wonder they collab so often. They are both currently living in London.

 

 

Throwback to July 2013 Seeing Paul McCartney

 

   In this blopost I was mainly focusing on who  I had seen/met in the last couple of months, but I couldn't not include seeing my biggest idol of Earth in person, Paul McCartney.  I went through a Beatles obsession phase in middle school that carried on into high school that still has some remnants today. I of course found out that Paul McCartney would be playing at Miller Park before tickets went on sale.  It was the day of the ticket sales and my dad immediately bought six tickets.  He usually is very cheap, and would never spend so much money on something like that.  But in a rush of adrenaline he did, and on July 16th 2013.  I went with my whole family including my brother's then future wife, and my friend Amber.  I've never been to a concert more beautiful.  There were different backgrounds in each of his songs.  He even played like three encores.  He did this all on one of the hottest days of the year without taking breaks, and sounding angelic.  You better believe I sang along to all of the songs, knowing all the lyrics by heart. It was such a surreal night.  The next day was the day I got my wisdom teeth pulled.  What an excitement killer.  





 

 

    You guys probably know a lot about Paul McCartney already so I will leave out the simple facts. So if you can, I encourage you to see your favorite people in person. It's such a great unexplainable feeling.  Plus it's a great memory to keep with whoever you went with, that you'll both never forget.