Being Vulnerable

      I try to be upbeat and positive in all my posts, but that isn't going to be the case today. I hate that even though I'm usually a happy person, that today that's not me. So I just thought it would help to write about it. Maybe it will improve things.  I really hope so.

      I haven't been feeling myself lately. My insecurities are showing through, my social skills which I worked really hard to build has turned into painful shyness this last week and a half. Nothing traumatic in life happened to make me feel this way, so I wonder what happened to me? I don't like small talk, but I feel like that's all I've been able to manage lately. Why is it, that I fell in love with a church and the people in it, and it's been over a year, but I feel so awkward on Sundays.  I've been trying my very best to get to know these people, that it's so hard to see all the social interactions going on, even from people newer then me. I need to find my people, but it's so hard to be patient anymore, when you've been patient for so long.
          
         I was comfortable being by myself earlier this year, but now I just want people to share in life's experiences with me.  I feel a sense of boredom and wanting to be with people when I'm not. Like everyone else is surrounded by others, and it just makes me wonder why I'm alone so often. I know people get busy, and I'm busy too, but having everyone be busy sucks, or friends who live too far away. I envy the people who live close to their best friends. The people that don't have to think twice, because they always have someone by their sides.  I feel distant from people, I had no problem talking to before and that scares me. All these emotions have been building up from lack of intimacy in friendships I've been experiencing lately.
          
       Another thing I'm feeling is a sense of falling away from God, which is probably why I'm feeling all these emotions. I know he's as close as he was before.  But I just don't know how to get my life back on track with my faith.  I don't think I'm doing enough, and don't feel like I'm hearing from him as much as I should, and I'm not sure what to do. But I went to a church homegroup on Thursday and that helped a lot, but now that's over, and I don't know it's just been really hard. Especially today for some reason. Maybe its because it's the end of a tiring week. But I really don't want to be like this anymore. It just hurts when you want to do something so simple, and you just can't, even when you put in maximum effort.