Emotionally Tattered: (A Spiritual Revelation)

    I couldn't find a picture that depicted a similar image to the one I feel God has given me, so I'll try to describe it. Basically I saw a person's back with open wounds on it, like those from a whip.  A doctor was tending to the wounds. 

    The interpretation? I was the one wounded, and Jesus (God) was tending to my wounds. My previous job had been one of spiritual battle. I was a soldier fighting against darkness, where the darkness had been ruling. Shining a light, and cutting through things with the sword of the spirit. In my previous job the darkness had been very strong so I didn't go away from the situation untharmed, but I didn't realize the scope of my injuries until I was out of the battle. Deep wounds caused by verbal abuse and other things were there. I thought l would be free leaving the battle. However the wounds and affects of the battle follow you once you're no longer in the battle. Soldiers home from battle still suffer from PTSD. They still get triggered by things that remind them of the battle. If you go out with deep open wounds into the world before their healed enough the wounds will just reopen. 

   This is what happened to me after leaving Hillcrest. At first I experienced relief and happiness that I was given permission to stop fighting in such a spiritually dark place. However, taking on another job so soon after I had left Hillcrest, was like going out in the world with the wounds before they were healed. This caused the intense feelings of anxiety and sadness. The school environment even though it wasn't as dark had triggered these emotions. (The post-war PTSD which is not a term I use lightly.) Going full force into life again after fighting such an intense battle hadn't been the right decision, and it makes sense when you picture the open wounds. Just like the physical wounds take time to heal, so do emotional wounds. It's been frustrating not being able to work for over a month now, but rest/healing/taking it easy was necessary to healing/not getting more injured. 

  A superhero even though they ultimately win in the end gets thrown around. My time at Hillcrest wasn't for nothing, even though I know that darkness still has a stronghold on that school. The same way with war when you're discharged before the war is one, you could feel like you fought for nothing. My actions had positive effects every single day, and I'm hopeful that darkness won't always rule in that school. It doesn't make sense that I was able to even function/almost thrive in an environment like that when I was there, but God and his goodness gave me an incredible amount of strength everyday to endure it. If he calls you to do something, he'll give you the tools to do it. A lot of people tell me they could never work there, but because God I was able even though it was only for a little over a year. 

   God sees what you're going through, your not fighting your battles in vain.  

   

Denver Day 5: Sunrise Hike at Redrock & Denver Science Museum

      This is late as I was in Denver over a month ago now, but here it is. The last day I was in Denver. 

    For the final day since my flight wasn't until 5:30 pm, I booked a sunrise hike at Redrock via AirBNB. If you didn't know you not only can book rental spaces, but experiences on AirBNB as well. This experience consisted of a sunrise tour of Redrock at 6:30 while a tour guide took you around and told facts about the park. The hike would end with a breakfast provided by the tour guide. I almost thought I wouldn't make it to Redrock in time. Even though I woke up early enough to travel there in plenty of time I lost my car keys. I looked all around my AirBNB in a sort of panic, not wanting to miss the sunrise, and/or risk the waste of money it cost. I decided to check my rental car to see if I had left it in there. The car I had only needed the key to be in the car in order to start which is kind of terrifying. I went to the car and tried to open it, which caused the car alarm to go off, at around 5:30 in the morning. I was fearful it wouldn't go off until I found the keys, and by then have woken up the whole neighborhood. However, it ended up going off on it's own. The keys were not in the car. I went back to my AirBNB and looked again, becoming more panicked because there became less and less time to make it on time. The keys ended up being on the end of my bed for some reason and I rushed out of the AirBNB and to the car. 

    I made it just in time at the spot I was supposed to meet the tour guide and the others, however the parking lot was empty. I looked up the number of my tour guide and called it. He answered saying he was running late due to a coffee mishap but he was on his way and would be there soon. The sun had yet to come up anyway. The tour guide arrived, and it ended up just being me and him even though a couple had signed up to do the hike as well. They never showed up, and the tour guide called them. We decided to start the hike since the sunrise wasn't going to wait. It was incredible, when the sun did come up instead of one area of the sky being pink, everywhere you looked was a pinkish hue. Even though it was a little more awkward given it was just me and the tour guide, I also got the opportunity to get more photos taken of myself with the scenery. The hike wasn't too hard and very enjoyable although we didn't see many animals. Only a few bunnies and a deer. The tour guide made funny comments, and told interesting facts about the park. Including how at Red Rock Ampitheatre bands were limited to a certain amount of speakers due to the fragility of the rocks. One band ended up disobeying this rule, and their speaker blew a permanent hole into one of the rocks. Also he Red Rock Ampitheatre usually hosts an Easter service. A few years ago Easter fell on 4/20, so what started with an Easter church service ended with a concert put on by.....who other than Snoop Dog. At the end of the hike I thanked the tour guide was given a breakfast sandwich along with other snacks and coffee which I took up to the Red Rock Ampitheatre to enjoy. I looked out at Denver as I ate my breakfast then drove around the park after to take some more pictures of the scenery. 

    It was around 9am when I got back to my AirBNB. I decided to set my alarm so that I had enough time to nap and pack my stuff before having to check out at 11am. The AirBNB host assumed I had left early in the morning, because she had saw the lights on in my room around 5:30am. She ended up knocking on the door that attaches to the house and walked in to go and clean the room. Thankfully I had heard the knock and had enough time to sit up at least when she came in. She apologized and quickly headed out. I finished my nap and then packed up my stuff, and figured out what I would do the next couple of hours. I had heard on the radio that the Denver Science Museum had a special exhibit on guitars and decided to buy tickets online and headed over. 

    The museum ended up being really close to where my AirBNB had been, so I got there quicker than I thought I would. When I got there I noticed school buses outside of the museum. The school buses carried kids who were on a field trip that day at the museum. I went into the guitar exhibit at the same time as a bunch of elementary school kids also went into the exhibit. The exhibit had a lot of interactive parts so the kids were all over that. The exhibit contained guitars from all over the world and their history. How they came to have six strings. How the material used to build the guitar affects the sound, etc.  The exhibit also contained different guitar models with explanations about them, a giant electric guitar model in the middle of the room, and a place where you could test out different guitars. The giant guitar had a "no running" sign. You could climb on top of it, but not run on it apparently. 😛 The museum also had exhibits on dinosaurs, space, Colorado climate/animals, sloths, and the body to name a few. I visited a couple of other exhibits after visiting the guitar one, then headed to Insomnia Cookie before returning my rental car. Insomnia Cookies let you order cookies or cookie icecream sandwiches made with your choice of warm cookies, and flavor of ice cream. I returned my car and made it to the airport in plenty of time, and made it back to Wisconsin around 8:30pm.

 

Healing

     I don't know how long it will take to recover, but I know I shouldn't be ashamed. I know that's easier said than done when the thoughts get so loud. I have good reason to have experienced such sadness. It turns out working with at risk youth affected me more than I thought. It should have been easy for me after taking a short break to transfer to working at a new school, an easier one, but that didn't turn out to be the case. The unknown as to why I felt like I couldn't go through the day without intense emotions scared me. Why in an environment that was a lot easier than what I was used to caused me to feel this way? I guess it was because of the unprocessed trauma that Hillcrest had caused that I was unable to feel until I was out of the environment. When I was working there, I didn't have time to process what was happening, I just had to get through it. At that on top of three deaths. The most important being my grandma. The last happening on New Year's Eve to my sister-in-laws mother who is very much like my own mother. (Having MS and a low immune system). I don't know why they all had to die in the same year, why a lot of people seem to be dying at the moment. With my emotions and these facts it seems really helpless, but I know when I am weak you are strong. I might not know the answers to these questions, God, but you do.           

   Coming back from a mostly happy Christmas break I didn't want to go back to work as I'm sure no one really does. I usually feel sad leaving home to go back to Kenosha, but I really broke down this time. I couldn't stop crying on the way back to Kenosha. I felt that even though this was the case that when I got to work I'd be ready to work. Things didn't go as planned, and I started crying and couldn't stop, so I was sent home early. It made me feel helpless. I was able to deal with so much more before, I had been doing really well, how long would it take to feel better again, why was I feeling such intense emotions, the kids didn't even do anything stressful, and so on. I felt crazy talking to my boss full of tears, not being really able to explain why I was balling in his office. 

    I guess it's because of post traumatic stress disorder. It's not a term I use lightly. Working in a school environment again after leaving Hillcrest triggered these intense emotions and being overwhelmed. Even with elementary school aged kids. The feelings followed me home, and this overwhelming feelings and the thoughts with it made time go by painfully slow. The feeling made me feel the opposite of who I was, and it was painful to experience them. I didn't know how I would get through the work week, and really didn't think I'd be able to so I scheduled a doctor's appointment. The doctor gave me a higher dose of medication and suggested I get out of the education field. She also filled out a form that would give me additional time off to recover. So that's what I'm doing. Going back home to stay with my parents has eased a lot of the pain, and I am so thankful for that. (After going back to my apartment Monday and into Tuesday the intense sadness stuck with me, and didn't really let up. It's one of the worst feelings, I thought it would be weeks at least until I felt okay again. There's still a lot to figure out though. My past boss helped me get this job at the elementary school, and I don't want to leave them but I really don't know if I'd be able to handle this job at the moment I'm terrified of going back, and the same thing happening. Intense emotions and crying. Four really hard days, was enough for me. The education field is also going through a lot right now with the trauma 2020 has caused. The kids are really unregulated and have less control than usual. 

    I guess I just need to take it one step at a time. I'll return to feeling myself again. Hopefully the days of intense sadness and anxiety are behind me for awhile. I just have to take it easy, and even though that's annoying because it doesn't feel like being an adult. I'll try to be nice to myself, because it's okay and I'm going to be okay. I'm not alone I have an incredible God, an incredible family, and incredible friends who care so much, and will help in anyway they can. I just have to put my hope in the Lord. 

 26  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:26-27 

Denver Day 4: Larimer Square and Camp Christmas

   For Day 4 I wanted to travel to Union Station and Larimer Square after researching that a lot of people really liked these places and they were near each other. Not wanting to pay too much for parking I went on SpotHero which is a lifesaver for finding cheap parking in the area. (Just make sure the parking is less than a mile away, a mile actually is farther walking distance then you think. I've made this mistake before.) I ended up finding a parking garage less than a block away from Union Station and reserved a parking spot beforehand. As I did more research on Union Station in Denver I realized it had recently been on the news for not good things. Apparently they had to increase the police presence due to violence and drug issues. I decided maybe Union Station wasn't a good idea after all, but the parking was still close enough to get to Larimer Square. 

   When I got to the parking garage and outside of Union Station I noticed the police presence and felt safer, so I decided to go inside. Inside Union Station there was a beautiful Christmas tree set up. I didn't spend much time there as there actually wasn't much to it besides a few restaurants and shops, but it was a beautiful building. Union Station is a block away from the 16th st. mall where Larimer Square is located. Along 16th st. there are a few free shuttles that stop at each different street of the mall. I got on and took the shuttle to Larimer St. where I then walked to Larimer Square. Larimer Square is a block of restaurants and shops with lights overhanging between the buildings. The shops in Larimer Square contained a lot of retro clothing for sale. Larimer Square is blocked off from traffic. I had seen a really cool retro music themed cafe online while researching the area and searched to find it, however it turned out to be permanently closed, so I couldnt get my picture taken with life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Beatles while drinking coffee. 😔 After looking around Larimer Square I went and got a smoothie from the Juice Kitchen along the 16th St. Mall which was delicious. I browsed some more shops then took the free shuttle back to Union Station. While walking around the 16th st. Mall a lady asked me if I wanted to join her bible study. I told her I didn't live in the area but I believed in God.  She told me her church was the only one that believed both in God the Mother and God the Father, they even had a church in Wisconsin. I kindly ended the conversation soon after. 🤪I then went back to my AirBNB where I ordered pad thai and egg rolls via Grubhub. I ate then rested before driving to Lakewood for Camp Christmas. 

    Camp Christmas is an interactive Christmas lights display put on by the Denver Performing Arts Center at Belmar Park. Belmar park is actually a historical site and has pieces of old Colorado buildings/objects, as well as a mini museum on site as well. One person had donated different things from a hair salon her and her husband ran decades ago. This equipment was decorated with Christmas decor so it was like you were walking into an old hair salon that was decorated for Christmas. There was also an old country cabin decorated with vintage holiday items, a shed fall of hanging disco balls, a fairy Christmas room, and a room full of pink Christmas decor as well as others. It was a ton of fun looking at all the lights and looking at the ways they decorated the rooms. There was a lot of different places to take pictures including a negative baggage area you could pose at. Since it was put on by the Denver Performing Arts Center I thought there would be actors on scene but there wasn't.  However, I don't know if that would have improved the experience or made it weird. Camp Christmas is highly worth checking out. Returning to my AirBNB I knew it was my last night I'd be there so after eating leftover pad thai I took advantage of the hot tub. There's something about being in a hot tub on a winter night that is such a pleasant experience.