Perseverance

      I took off work for about a month after triggering intense anxiety and stress after transitioning to a job too much like my last one. It was supposed to be an easy transition. Going from a school of high intensity to one of a way lesser intensity. What I thought would be easy my brain saw as trauma, and reacted in a way it thought was protecting me. I almost wish it could have been that easy but then I wouldn't have the job opportunity I have now or the month break I had to rest and heal.

    At Hillcrest where I was supposed to be feeling all these emotions, I pushed them down to survive. They were naturally coming up when I had time to process them, to demand I deal with them, so I could heal from them.  The month away from work wasn't easy. The feeling of intense anxiety and stress would hit out of nowhere and I was scared that all those emotions would follow me into my next job. I knew I couldnt go back to the school I got hired onto in December because my brain would physically not let me. Don't get me wrong there was rest and healing but also a lot of fear of the unknown. So much so I put myself into an almost self-fulfilling prophecy. "I think I won't be able to work a full time job in Kenosha, therefore I won't" and I really thought I wouldn't be able to. 

   When I passed the interview for the job I have now, instead of being excited I was really stressed out and faced the intense anxiety again. There would be no way I could work 40 hours a week in my current condition. I felt like I was setting myself up for failure. I would be hired onto the job just like the school in December and wind up the same way I had before. A week before I started the job I'm at, I seriously considered not even giving it a try. It would save me from hurting so much emotionally. All these emotions were exhausting and I wanted an "easy" way out. An "easy" way out would have meant not being apart of my Kenosha church community as much, losing my apartment, job benefits and losing a great work opportunity.  But if it meant escaping exhausting emotional pain it seemed like an okay decision. 

   However, I know myself. I've gotten through way harder things, and I'm stubborn. Stubborn enough to not let myself give up when things get hard. So I did not even though everything in me wanted to. Especially that first day of work. I started my first day and the same feeling of intense anxiety flooded my body and I felt so stressed that day. That first day was luckily mostly online training at home, and some time at the clinic. When I went to the clinic I would work at in person I somehow felt calm. That gave me hope. However I was still convinced I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I was exhausted from all the emotions I had been dealing with. I then spent 45 minutes on the phone with my mom saying how it was too hard, how I was so sick of feeling all these emotions and just so exhausted, and saying how I couldn't do it. Hearing myself say "I can't do it" and "It's so hard" out loud made me feel even more upset because I knew I wasn't the giving up type. My mom encouraged me I could and to keep trying even though it was hard and that in a week I'd probably feel differently and get over this feeling after being able to accomplish it and see that I could do it. She was right of course but that didnt make the pain any easier to bear. That night I cleaned myself up and ate something then went to a friends game night she had planned. I really wanted to go and be around friends but my emotions had really exhausted me.  I however went anyways and was so glad I did. That Tuesday was hard as well, but a little less hard. People were glad to have me back in town, and I felt a little more at ease with my job.  I surrounded myself with people from the church again and felt more hope rise up within me. Wednesday came and it was even easier. After that I started to feel like my normal self again and felt relief and joy that I was actually going to be able to do this. I would get to be part of my church community again, keep my apartment, not lose my job benefits when I turned 26 etc. I was so glad I had gotten out of the rut so quickly. It was only through depending on God and perseverance that I was able to overcome this hurdle. Satan would really rather let me think that I'm too weak, would rather me not be connected to my church community, would rather me not make a difference in young kids with Autism, but God helped me be a conqueror in this situation.