The Feeling of Rejection (Letters to the Rejectors)

              Rejection. A feeling I have grown to know a lot. A feeling that is as painful each and every time you experience it. A feeling I am currently feeling today. An emotion that squeezes the tears from your eyes, as your heart feels heavy. A feeling you don't want to have, but demands to be felt. Pain demands to be felt, and today I am grieving the loss of a friendship that I had so many hopes for.
          So to get out some of the feelings, I thought I'd write a letter two the top three people, who I feel have rejected me most in life. I know that none of them will see this, and I will change their names in this post, to keep this blog private. No one needs to know the identity of these people anyway. I'll go in chronological order. From the first main rejection to today's to end this post off.

          Daisy,
      We became friends in 4th grade. We had our own little group of three of us. We did a ton together, and hung out at each others houses. Everything was going good until in 5th grade you started being mean to me. Your parents were getting a divorce, and you took it out on me. I finally had a lot of friends in school, but you must not have liked that. You began spreading rumors about me, until you had turned almost everyone against me. I came home everyday crying due to your cruelty. Towards the end of 5th grade you told me we couldn't be friends anymore, because you were "popular" now. "Popular" kids could not possibly be friends with non "popular" kids. You chose them over me. In middle school you pretended like you had never even met me before. Fast forward to high school where we both got voted on Prom Court together. Daisy, why wasn't I good enough for you, back then? Was I that embarrassing of a person, that you had to pretend not to know me? Do you realize how badly you made me feel? That you caused 5th grade to be my worst year of school?


    Now to move onto High school


              Laura,
         We had been good friends since middle school. A lot of people thought you were strange, but being different/strange didn't matter to me. I spent a lot of studyhalls listening you tell these horrendous stories. Even though these stories made me uncomfortable you needed someone to listen. So I did. I listened. Even though I didn't agree with some of the choices you made when living your life, I cared for you. I admired your intelligence. The way you worked hard and took difficult classes. One night our friendship came crashing down in a moment. I remember that same day I had seen you in the hallway, and I'm pretty sure you complimented me on my shirt. This friendship ended differently with cyberbullying. That night I was feeling overwhelmed, so I vented about it on Facebook. (I don't recommend doing this, but it was 5 years ago.) You commented back how I shouldn't be complaining because you had it way worse, and not to look for empathy. I told you that I wasn't saying that you didn't have it worse than I did, because I knew you had more stress in your life than I did. You then went on to make horrible, rude comments. I can't remember what you said, but it was absolutely disgusting to say to a human being. After this you pretended not to know me as well, and wouldn't even give me eye contact when we passed each other in the hallway. Everyday I would be sure to try and catch your eye, so you could see that I was still smiling. We graduated from high school, and I never heard from you again until two summers ago, when you had found my Instagram. You began commenting on all my pictures about how I had gained weight, and how I was so ugly. Your comments didn't affect me this time. Actually I kind of felt bad for you for the insecurity you must of been feeling to feel the need to comment those things. The funny thing is, when you had been commenting those things, I hadn't been using Instagram at all. Laura, did it help you to post all those mean things about me? Did it make you feel happier about yourself? Did it give you some kind of power? How come you never said any of these comments to my face?

    Last but not least, the most recent rejection. The rejection that happened today. This might be the longest one, as it has left the freshest cut on my heart.

           Bailey,
     I met you my 1st month of college. The moment I first met you, you were smiling so big. You had so much joy in you. We were in the same club at college so I would see you a lot. After seeing you a couple times, I determined that you were one of the people that would be a good friend to me. Was I wrong? After a few months into our friendship we became inseparable. We understood each other. Each others interests, our passions, pretty much everything. Talking late into the night. I don't know if our conversations were ever short. Through our friendship I became close with your family...you're lovely family. Doing everything best friends did, because that's what you were to me, a best friend. Do you remember that? It feels like you don't. While all these memories of us, are rolling around in my head. The laughter, the smiles, so many happy moments. If you remembered these things, wouldn't you want to rebuild the friendship we had. Lucky for you, you'll be a hard one to forget, as 100's of pictures of us are on my computer. Will I ever delete them? Will my heart still hang on to you, and hope things could be different? We were both immature two years ago, and that immaturity lead to a break in our friendship. I apologized to you, and forgave you for the hurt you had caused me. Then we hung out less. You stopped saying hi to me in the halls. I took a year off to do the school through my church. I came back with an unspeakable hope in my heart that maybe we could finally restore our friendship after almost 2 years of not talking. You didn't have that same joy in your heart, and told me you thought we should still not talk, and that broke my heart. I grieve the friendship we could of restored. How strong it would of been after it had gone through so much. You say you're a Christian as well, but are unwilling to even try to mend the broken pieces. Maybe its easier to leave those broken pieces in a pile on the ground, and pretend the friendship there never existed. That seems to be the common theme in all of these. Pretending the friendship never even existed. When I first brought up the hope of my heart to restore this friendship with my mom, she said "What is the worst that can happen?" Well, this is the worst thing that could of happened. I guess maybe you could of been more mean about it. So I guess when I see you in the hall, I'll pretend I don't know you. I'll push out all the memories from inside my head, and listen to "Best Day" by Taylor Swift.

      To end I want to thank God. God thank you that you are my friend, and you'll never leave me. That though some friends may leave, you'll establish relationships in my life that will be solid. Relationships where we'll fight for each other, and build each other up. I thank you for the friendships you have already placed in my life that are like that. Thank you for the strength that comes from these situations. Thank you for the amount of empathy these trials have given me to use in my future. To you three above, and all the others who haven't treated me right, I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me, and I refuse to hold bitterness in my heart towards you.

Strange College Things

    After being away from college for a year, returning has been a strange experience. Coming back to the strange situations that go on, on campus. Some of these things may only pertain to Parkside, but I thought I'd list them anyway.

1) If you live on campus, there's a strange pull to stay up past midnight. Almost no one goes to sleep before midnight, and if you do your one of the strange few.

2) In classes you might never get to know the person sitting next to you. The people in the classes (most of them) are there for the class and then to leave. No conversations, no friendmaking, in and out. This makes it increasingly harder to be intentional with people and even to make friends in classes, even though I suspect a lot of these people are probably lonely.

3) People sit in the same place every single class. We are creatures of habit so it makes sense, but at the School of Worship most people intentionally sat in different places each day so they could get to know others in the class better. With this in college, I feel switching seats every class would make people angry if I were sitting in "their spot".

4) People are kind of obnoxious on campus. While in other places people will try to be respectful and keep things at a quieter noise-level at college this is thrown out the window. Oh, you're trying to sleep at night, let me play volleyball at 2am with my friends outside. You're trying to study? Let me just not turn down my music or this video I'm watching online.

5) People you know don't notice you, due to looking at their phone.  Oh hey it's my friend, _______.  That's awkward, they didn't see me.....again.

    I'll probably add to this, but right now these are the top 5 things I've noticed after returning to college.

      I'm adding to this again as I noticed some more situations. This one has to do with #4. Not many things irritate me but this has been getting on my nerves so much. One of my roommates sings at the top of her lungs around midnight. She's a good singer but I am so sick of hearing it especially when I'm trying to sleep. Do you not know that this isn't a great time to belt out operatic tunes?

Working with Kids With the Heart of Jesus

             While reflecting on a situation that occurred today, God revealed something to me.


The Situation:  Some of my clients at work have multiple sessions a day. I came to do my session directly after this particular kid had had another therapy session. The mom warned me about how he was having a bad day, and would probably be really difficult for me. In the previous session he had a meltdown and showed bad behaviors, which I read about in the therapy records. Throughout the session the kid did really well with me, and didn't act out and even earned outside time at the end or session. The mother said she was surprised at how he had acted, saying that the other therapist was much more strict and hard on him, but somehow my personality with being calm, gentle, and soft-spoken had made him respond better to me. Stating how it was a miracle that he calmed down after such a bad session previously. I told her that the Holy Spirit was in the room, and able to create a sort of peace in the room, and she agreed.

    We are all peacemakers. Wherever we go, we carry the peace of God, and other's around us notice us, like in this situation. When Jesus dealt with children he was calm,gentle, and patient. He didn't yell, and thank goodness for us God doesn't yell at us, but has patience for us. This is how we are meant to be with people. Being patient, and slow to anger. Talking and thinking through a situation before reacting.

Working as a Therapist

     If you would have asked me, I would have never believed that the age of 21 I would be working as a therapist. I mean isn't that a crazy thing, that a girl without a degree would be working as a therapist, and for kids with Autism? It doesn't make sense. (Don't you have to go through years of college?) But God knew I'd be successful, and even thrive at this job. A job I didn't know existed, and didn't know if I'd be good at, given such an official name as a Treatment Technician at a company called Children's Behavioral Health Services, it seemed pretty intimidating, but the people there reassured me I'd get a lot of training.

   From this I learned the fact that God had actually gifted me in the area of one-on-one relationship building, so working with autistic kids one-on-one versus as part of a group was something I was actually better at. I was originally wanting to go to college for Special Education, but didn't want to be a teacher. By working as a Treatment Technician I can teach kids things one on one without having to deal with the stress of a room full of kids. I would have never wanted to be a therapist either, from what I knew of them, they were people that asked a ton of questions for an hour that were unhelpful to your condition. But through this job I learned that not all therapists are like that. I can actually teach kids things that will be crucial to them throughout their lives, and reduce behaviors so they can better fit in with the rest of the world.

   In this job I get to play a lot of games, read a lot of books, and sit in the tiniest chairs. Seven kids to teach a variety of things. Seven kids that I get to learn a variety of things from. I love them all so much, even when they're angry, unfocused, or ignore me. This will change when I go back to Parkside. 7 kids will be reduced to 4 or less as I will be putting school before work starting then. As I think about who I'd want to be one of the 4 I can't choose. They all have something special to bring into my life. But this probably won't be our last goodbye, as I will probably again work with them next summer. (That being that God doesn't want me to work somewhere else). But some people only are apart of our lives for a short time, and if it has to be the last goodbye I'll accept that.

The Meanng Behind the Artwork

   At OCM,(the annual conference that my church puts on every summer) I had a hard time sleeping during the night both nights we were in Indiana for the conference. My mind couldn't stay calm after thinking about all the things, that had been said through the teachings. On Saturday night, while laying in my hotel bed God gave me a picture of fireflies, but they weren't in the sky, they were swimming around in the water. Tons of tiny lights in the ocean. It was so beautiful. After God showed me it, I asked God if he could let me experience seeing that in real life. A few minutes later after trying to fall to sleep, I decided that sleeping right then, would have been a losing battle so I went out of the room, and found a quiet part of the hotel on the first floor, and pulled out my Bible. I read part of Acts, stopping to think about the swimming fireflies and what it meant. God had shown me this picture, because it had a meeting, not just to show me something for the reason of its beauty. It was to show that the most beautiful lights can be seen best in the darkness. Our lives as Christians illuminate bright lights in this dark world. Like fireflies we may blend in during the daytime but in the darkness of other's lives, they can see the difference in our lives, and their desperation to have whatever we have, that makes us so unique.
      I looked up something along the lines of swimming fireflies on google images, to see if something like this could even be seen in real life. Instead of seeing shining yellow lights like the light of fireflies, I saw blue shining lights. As blue is my favorite color, this was even more exciting. It turns out in some places in the ocean, there is tiny plankton that glows blue at night.

One Church Ministries Conference

       My church is different from other churches, in that once you start going for a couple months, your almost certain to have met most of the people there. The people at my church make sure they get to know you, and not just shallowly. They actually care about how you are doing in your life, and what God is doing in your life, and will be more than happy to be your friend and take you out for coffee.  We get excited for each others lives. My church tries its best to make sure there is no needy person among us. If you need a place to stay, there are families who will take you in. I love that about Living Light.  Even though society may think its weird to take in a person, Living Light makes it normal. Most people my age not from the area, stay at others houses for a season. This builds an even bigger bond between you and the people from the church. It helps you in your character as a person as well, including how to be a big sister to a lot of kids, when you were biologically born the younger sister.

      So that was a long introduction to get to what I actually wanted to write this blogpost on. An annual conference that are family of churches have every year. If you didn't know Living Light currently has three locations in Wisconsin as well as one in Michigan: Racine, Kenosha, Pleasant Prairie, and Cadillac. Almost all the people from these churches go to this conference.  Your one in a very few if you don't end up showing up at this conference. (Another thing I love about Living Light, people take conferences/meetings seriously.) For the last couple years we have met in Merriville Indiana, with this year being in South Bend Indiana. (We also have Living Lights in England and Germany, that have their own conference in winter).

   This was my second year of going to the conference, only being a part of Living Light for 2.5 years, and I was amazed between the difference between this year and last year. Last year I had only known people from the Racine Living Light, and been known by just them. This year after doing the Living Light School of Worship during which I got to know a lot of people from the different congregations, even the Michigan one, I felt like I knew most everybody at the conference, and everybody at the conference mostly knew me. Even people I had forgotten I had met in Cadillac. Being in a room full of almost a thousand people and feeling like you know them, and being known by them is such an amazing incredible feeling. This knowing and being known is probably why half of the church gets invited to weddings. Where a normal wedding would be a few church friends and a lot of biological family, our church weddings are half and half if not more church family then actual family.

  At this conference, you can sit by, and hang out with anyone. and everyone will be more than happy to let you join them. This is what being the church means. The conference is called "One Church Ministries" because of our strong belief in the unity of the church, and everyone who is a follower of Jesus should be of one body. There shouldn't be multiple churches but one mass of believers.

    Living Light is known for its worship times. Being a church where everyone is engaged in worship and jumping around the room. This is because of our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. When the Holy Spirit moves among us, even the people you wouldn't expect to dance are dancing. A room full of 500+ people all dancing with all their might, is a pretty incredible, encouraging sight, and I just hope everyone can find such a great church as I have. One that they can wholeheartedly love and trust. One that matures them in character and ability.

God's Timing

   What might of been considered embarrassing to the unspiritual eye or frustrating to the spiritual one is my recent quest for a job. I had been applying for jobs probably since the end of March, in total probably 30+ jobs. It took until mid-June until I finally got one, the perfect one, in God's perfect timing.

    The job I had asked God about, the one I asked him to lead me too. A prayer that went something like this: "God, you know what's best for me, I want to live where you want me too, and do whatever you want me to do this summer. Help me find whatever job you want me to do this summer." He was faithful, and he did answer. Sometimes he doesn't answer right away, and sends us on a quest to gain knowledge. For me the quest was to find the job that God had handpicked for me.

     Did God want me at a job that would be different then what I was going to school for? Did he want me to be work in retail, in a restaurant, as a cleaner, as a painter, or with typically developing kids? Or was I supposed to do something more of what I felt God calling me to for the future.

   Some of you guys know the result of these questions. It turned out God wanted me at the job that most reflected what I felt I was called to do in the future. Working with kids with autism at their homes, teaching them behavioral, as well as skills for living. A job where both of us are taught new things. I found out today (my first day at the job) that a lot of people I work with have actually gotten their Bachelor's in Psychology, which is another example of God's timing.

    At Parkside I thought I wanted to go for getting a Bachelor in Special Education, but was lost when I found out they hadn't added the program, and wouldn't be until 2018. I didn't think that God would be calling me away from the Kenosha/Racine area so I felt really stuck. Maybe God hadn't called me to do work with kids with disabilities afterall. I frantically searched for a major that might fit me, even going as far as taking career tests, as suggested by some counseling ladies at Parkside. The only thing the tests showed me is that I was meant to work at a job that helped people. I talked to the Education department, which redirected me to the Psychology department, where the Psychology program lead thought that Psychology would be a fitting major for me, as the paragraph states above it must be. God knew, and he craftily redirected me in the right direction.
    
     Another example of God's timing in my life was finding housing for the summer. In about Mid-April I started looking for somewhere to be able to stay over the summer, my church is very hospitable and help house a lot of people in their 20's. I asked the leaders of the church and multiple families, seeming to be out of luck. I even got my new job before finding summer housing, which was very worrisome. I didn't find summer housing until the day before my first day at my new job. I found housing (Thursday). The confirmation for the summer housing actually came after a prayer session over the phone with a friend. As you can tell it was a worrisome week, not being sure if I'd find a place to stay by the time my job started, just trusting God would do it. (My home in which I've been staying is an 1 hour and a half away from where I'd be working, and there was no way I was going to make that drive twice a day.) He made sure of it, testing the depth of my trust for him, and my patience for his timing.

   At the end of the school year I was almost convinced that God might want me to stay at my parent's house in Slinger for the whole summer. But of course he had other plans, and in my heart I knew my stay in Slinger in the summer would be "very" temporary. It was only lasting a total of  17 days with 5 visits to Racine/Kenosha, so I wasn't even home all 17 days. My stay was great, and I'm glad God added being home to the process. I was ready to move from one house to another if the opportunity presented itself, not moving all my things home. Being home allowed me to have some much needed family time, as well as the joy of watching my parent's new puppy (black lab), Drake grow up. They picked him up four days before I came home. I think he's now about 10 weeks old. I will definitely miss being home. I feel kind of torn wanting to be in both places, which is a good problem to have, but I know my time will be more fulfilled in living in Racine, and of course there will be visits home to Slinger, and visits from them in Racine so feeling torn won't be that big of a deal.

   God has a timing for everything, we just need to be patient, and have faith. It can be a bit of a struggle but it's definitely worth it.