Emotionally Tattered: (A Spiritual Revelation)

    I couldn't find a picture that depicted a similar image to the one I feel God has given me, so I'll try to describe it. Basically I saw a person's back with open wounds on it, like those from a whip.  A doctor was tending to the wounds. 

    The interpretation? I was the one wounded, and Jesus (God) was tending to my wounds. My previous job had been one of spiritual battle. I was a soldier fighting against darkness, where the darkness had been ruling. Shining a light, and cutting through things with the sword of the spirit. In my previous job the darkness had been very strong so I didn't go away from the situation untharmed, but I didn't realize the scope of my injuries until I was out of the battle. Deep wounds caused by verbal abuse and other things were there. I thought l would be free leaving the battle. However the wounds and affects of the battle follow you once you're no longer in the battle. Soldiers home from battle still suffer from PTSD. They still get triggered by things that remind them of the battle. If you go out with deep open wounds into the world before their healed enough the wounds will just reopen. 

   This is what happened to me after leaving Hillcrest. At first I experienced relief and happiness that I was given permission to stop fighting in such a spiritually dark place. However, taking on another job so soon after I had left Hillcrest, was like going out in the world with the wounds before they were healed. This caused the intense feelings of anxiety and sadness. The school environment even though it wasn't as dark had triggered these emotions. (The post-war PTSD which is not a term I use lightly.) Going full force into life again after fighting such an intense battle hadn't been the right decision, and it makes sense when you picture the open wounds. Just like the physical wounds take time to heal, so do emotional wounds. It's been frustrating not being able to work for over a month now, but rest/healing/taking it easy was necessary to healing/not getting more injured. 

  A superhero even though they ultimately win in the end gets thrown around. My time at Hillcrest wasn't for nothing, even though I know that darkness still has a stronghold on that school. The same way with war when you're discharged before the war is one, you could feel like you fought for nothing. My actions had positive effects every single day, and I'm hopeful that darkness won't always rule in that school. It doesn't make sense that I was able to even function/almost thrive in an environment like that when I was there, but God and his goodness gave me an incredible amount of strength everyday to endure it. If he calls you to do something, he'll give you the tools to do it. A lot of people tell me they could never work there, but because God I was able even though it was only for a little over a year. 

   God sees what you're going through, your not fighting your battles in vain.  

   

Denver Day 5: Sunrise Hike at Redrock & Denver Science Museum

      This is late as I was in Denver over a month ago now, but here it is. The last day I was in Denver. 

    For the final day since my flight wasn't until 5:30 pm, I booked a sunrise hike at Redrock via AirBNB. If you didn't know you not only can book rental spaces, but experiences on AirBNB as well. This experience consisted of a sunrise tour of Redrock at 6:30 while a tour guide took you around and told facts about the park. The hike would end with a breakfast provided by the tour guide. I almost thought I wouldn't make it to Redrock in time. Even though I woke up early enough to travel there in plenty of time I lost my car keys. I looked all around my AirBNB in a sort of panic, not wanting to miss the sunrise, and/or risk the waste of money it cost. I decided to check my rental car to see if I had left it in there. The car I had only needed the key to be in the car in order to start which is kind of terrifying. I went to the car and tried to open it, which caused the car alarm to go off, at around 5:30 in the morning. I was fearful it wouldn't go off until I found the keys, and by then have woken up the whole neighborhood. However, it ended up going off on it's own. The keys were not in the car. I went back to my AirBNB and looked again, becoming more panicked because there became less and less time to make it on time. The keys ended up being on the end of my bed for some reason and I rushed out of the AirBNB and to the car. 

    I made it just in time at the spot I was supposed to meet the tour guide and the others, however the parking lot was empty. I looked up the number of my tour guide and called it. He answered saying he was running late due to a coffee mishap but he was on his way and would be there soon. The sun had yet to come up anyway. The tour guide arrived, and it ended up just being me and him even though a couple had signed up to do the hike as well. They never showed up, and the tour guide called them. We decided to start the hike since the sunrise wasn't going to wait. It was incredible, when the sun did come up instead of one area of the sky being pink, everywhere you looked was a pinkish hue. Even though it was a little more awkward given it was just me and the tour guide, I also got the opportunity to get more photos taken of myself with the scenery. The hike wasn't too hard and very enjoyable although we didn't see many animals. Only a few bunnies and a deer. The tour guide made funny comments, and told interesting facts about the park. Including how at Red Rock Ampitheatre bands were limited to a certain amount of speakers due to the fragility of the rocks. One band ended up disobeying this rule, and their speaker blew a permanent hole into one of the rocks. Also he Red Rock Ampitheatre usually hosts an Easter service. A few years ago Easter fell on 4/20, so what started with an Easter church service ended with a concert put on by.....who other than Snoop Dog. At the end of the hike I thanked the tour guide was given a breakfast sandwich along with other snacks and coffee which I took up to the Red Rock Ampitheatre to enjoy. I looked out at Denver as I ate my breakfast then drove around the park after to take some more pictures of the scenery. 

    It was around 9am when I got back to my AirBNB. I decided to set my alarm so that I had enough time to nap and pack my stuff before having to check out at 11am. The AirBNB host assumed I had left early in the morning, because she had saw the lights on in my room around 5:30am. She ended up knocking on the door that attaches to the house and walked in to go and clean the room. Thankfully I had heard the knock and had enough time to sit up at least when she came in. She apologized and quickly headed out. I finished my nap and then packed up my stuff, and figured out what I would do the next couple of hours. I had heard on the radio that the Denver Science Museum had a special exhibit on guitars and decided to buy tickets online and headed over. 

    The museum ended up being really close to where my AirBNB had been, so I got there quicker than I thought I would. When I got there I noticed school buses outside of the museum. The school buses carried kids who were on a field trip that day at the museum. I went into the guitar exhibit at the same time as a bunch of elementary school kids also went into the exhibit. The exhibit had a lot of interactive parts so the kids were all over that. The exhibit contained guitars from all over the world and their history. How they came to have six strings. How the material used to build the guitar affects the sound, etc.  The exhibit also contained different guitar models with explanations about them, a giant electric guitar model in the middle of the room, and a place where you could test out different guitars. The giant guitar had a "no running" sign. You could climb on top of it, but not run on it apparently. 😛 The museum also had exhibits on dinosaurs, space, Colorado climate/animals, sloths, and the body to name a few. I visited a couple of other exhibits after visiting the guitar one, then headed to Insomnia Cookie before returning my rental car. Insomnia Cookies let you order cookies or cookie icecream sandwiches made with your choice of warm cookies, and flavor of ice cream. I returned my car and made it to the airport in plenty of time, and made it back to Wisconsin around 8:30pm.

 

Healing

     I don't know how long it will take to recover, but I know I shouldn't be ashamed. I know that's easier said than done when the thoughts get so loud. I have good reason to have experienced such sadness. It turns out working with at risk youth affected me more than I thought. It should have been easy for me after taking a short break to transfer to working at a new school, an easier one, but that didn't turn out to be the case. The unknown as to why I felt like I couldn't go through the day without intense emotions scared me. Why in an environment that was a lot easier than what I was used to caused me to feel this way? I guess it was because of the unprocessed trauma that Hillcrest had caused that I was unable to feel until I was out of the environment. When I was working there, I didn't have time to process what was happening, I just had to get through it. At that on top of three deaths. The most important being my grandma. The last happening on New Year's Eve to my sister-in-laws mother who is very much like my own mother. (Having MS and a low immune system). I don't know why they all had to die in the same year, why a lot of people seem to be dying at the moment. With my emotions and these facts it seems really helpless, but I know when I am weak you are strong. I might not know the answers to these questions, God, but you do.           

   Coming back from a mostly happy Christmas break I didn't want to go back to work as I'm sure no one really does. I usually feel sad leaving home to go back to Kenosha, but I really broke down this time. I couldn't stop crying on the way back to Kenosha. I felt that even though this was the case that when I got to work I'd be ready to work. Things didn't go as planned, and I started crying and couldn't stop, so I was sent home early. It made me feel helpless. I was able to deal with so much more before, I had been doing really well, how long would it take to feel better again, why was I feeling such intense emotions, the kids didn't even do anything stressful, and so on. I felt crazy talking to my boss full of tears, not being really able to explain why I was balling in his office. 

    I guess it's because of post traumatic stress disorder. It's not a term I use lightly. Working in a school environment again after leaving Hillcrest triggered these intense emotions and being overwhelmed. Even with elementary school aged kids. The feelings followed me home, and this overwhelming feelings and the thoughts with it made time go by painfully slow. The feeling made me feel the opposite of who I was, and it was painful to experience them. I didn't know how I would get through the work week, and really didn't think I'd be able to so I scheduled a doctor's appointment. The doctor gave me a higher dose of medication and suggested I get out of the education field. She also filled out a form that would give me additional time off to recover. So that's what I'm doing. Going back home to stay with my parents has eased a lot of the pain, and I am so thankful for that. (After going back to my apartment Monday and into Tuesday the intense sadness stuck with me, and didn't really let up. It's one of the worst feelings, I thought it would be weeks at least until I felt okay again. There's still a lot to figure out though. My past boss helped me get this job at the elementary school, and I don't want to leave them but I really don't know if I'd be able to handle this job at the moment I'm terrified of going back, and the same thing happening. Intense emotions and crying. Four really hard days, was enough for me. The education field is also going through a lot right now with the trauma 2020 has caused. The kids are really unregulated and have less control than usual. 

    I guess I just need to take it one step at a time. I'll return to feeling myself again. Hopefully the days of intense sadness and anxiety are behind me for awhile. I just have to take it easy, and even though that's annoying because it doesn't feel like being an adult. I'll try to be nice to myself, because it's okay and I'm going to be okay. I'm not alone I have an incredible God, an incredible family, and incredible friends who care so much, and will help in anyway they can. I just have to put my hope in the Lord. 

 26  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:26-27 

Denver Day 4: Larimer Square and Camp Christmas

   For Day 4 I wanted to travel to Union Station and Larimer Square after researching that a lot of people really liked these places and they were near each other. Not wanting to pay too much for parking I went on SpotHero which is a lifesaver for finding cheap parking in the area. (Just make sure the parking is less than a mile away, a mile actually is farther walking distance then you think. I've made this mistake before.) I ended up finding a parking garage less than a block away from Union Station and reserved a parking spot beforehand. As I did more research on Union Station in Denver I realized it had recently been on the news for not good things. Apparently they had to increase the police presence due to violence and drug issues. I decided maybe Union Station wasn't a good idea after all, but the parking was still close enough to get to Larimer Square. 

   When I got to the parking garage and outside of Union Station I noticed the police presence and felt safer, so I decided to go inside. Inside Union Station there was a beautiful Christmas tree set up. I didn't spend much time there as there actually wasn't much to it besides a few restaurants and shops, but it was a beautiful building. Union Station is a block away from the 16th st. mall where Larimer Square is located. Along 16th st. there are a few free shuttles that stop at each different street of the mall. I got on and took the shuttle to Larimer St. where I then walked to Larimer Square. Larimer Square is a block of restaurants and shops with lights overhanging between the buildings. The shops in Larimer Square contained a lot of retro clothing for sale. Larimer Square is blocked off from traffic. I had seen a really cool retro music themed cafe online while researching the area and searched to find it, however it turned out to be permanently closed, so I couldnt get my picture taken with life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Beatles while drinking coffee. 😔 After looking around Larimer Square I went and got a smoothie from the Juice Kitchen along the 16th St. Mall which was delicious. I browsed some more shops then took the free shuttle back to Union Station. While walking around the 16th st. Mall a lady asked me if I wanted to join her bible study. I told her I didn't live in the area but I believed in God.  She told me her church was the only one that believed both in God the Mother and God the Father, they even had a church in Wisconsin. I kindly ended the conversation soon after. 🤪I then went back to my AirBNB where I ordered pad thai and egg rolls via Grubhub. I ate then rested before driving to Lakewood for Camp Christmas. 

    Camp Christmas is an interactive Christmas lights display put on by the Denver Performing Arts Center at Belmar Park. Belmar park is actually a historical site and has pieces of old Colorado buildings/objects, as well as a mini museum on site as well. One person had donated different things from a hair salon her and her husband ran decades ago. This equipment was decorated with Christmas decor so it was like you were walking into an old hair salon that was decorated for Christmas. There was also an old country cabin decorated with vintage holiday items, a shed fall of hanging disco balls, a fairy Christmas room, and a room full of pink Christmas decor as well as others. It was a ton of fun looking at all the lights and looking at the ways they decorated the rooms. There was a lot of different places to take pictures including a negative baggage area you could pose at. Since it was put on by the Denver Performing Arts Center I thought there would be actors on scene but there wasn't.  However, I don't know if that would have improved the experience or made it weird. Camp Christmas is highly worth checking out. Returning to my AirBNB I knew it was my last night I'd be there so after eating leftover pad thai I took advantage of the hot tub. There's something about being in a hot tub on a winter night that is such a pleasant experience. 

Denver Trip Day 3: Echo Lake and Indian Hot Springs

     I slept in for awhile this day then packed some crackers and a water in my bag for a hike. I made peanut butter toast before heading out. When researching hikes to do near Denver, I came upon St. Mary's glacier. The views of the alpine lake with the mountains in the background looked amazing. I again drove the same way I had gone the night before to get to Georgetown, but not as long to get to the trailhead. Getting to the trailhead took a lot of weaving back and forth. The winds increased the higher up I got, and it even started snowing. When I got up to the trailhead parking lot I looked up at the trail. The trail looked really steep and rocky not to mention it was really cold. I decided without spikes on my shoes or other equipment that it wouldn't be worth the attempt to hike up the trail. I ended up driving to a nearby town which I would be stopping by later in the day to go to the Indian Hot Springs there. 

     Idaho Springs, like Georgetown was a cute little mining town. I looked up nearby coffee shops and found an awesome little coffee shop called "The Frothy Cup". There were other coffee shops nearby, but the name of this one appealed to me the most. It ended up being as great as the name sounded. There was plenty of seating, a big menu, and the employees were very nice and accommodating. I ordered an eggnog latte which was very delicious. After my visit to the coffee shop I visited some of the other shops, but decided I really wanted to see some mountain scenery in the afternoon sometime before it got dark. I asked one of the employees in a shop if he had any recommended hikes, and one of the places he recommended was Echo Lake. Echo Lake was nearby and I looked it up after leaving the shop. The pictures were gorgeous so I decided I would go there, Unfortunately some of the trails and roads are closed during winter for safety reasons. One of the trails ended up being closed for Echo Lake. I could see the lake from where my car was parked, and didn't necessarily need a trail to see the lake so I took in the view from there. The wind was very strong at Echo Lake as well and it was cold, but after living in Wisconsin my whole life it was bearable. I ended up finding a trail and started walking on it. Then I started to think about how I was walking alone....in nature.....and how an animal could easily attack me if it wanted pretty easily, I decided it wasn't a good idea afterall and went back to my car. I then drove back towards the lake and found another parking lot with a trail that actually went near the shore of the lake. Another car came into the parking lot and parked so I waited for them to get out, and went onto the trail a little bit after they did. I did this because I didn't want to be alone walking on a trail again. However the trail was really short so I didn't have to worry too much. The group of people I had followed in asked me to take their picture and then took mine. The sun was very bright so the lighting in the pictures turned out pretty bad. The lake was also mostly frozen, but it was gorgeous and I was glad I drove to see it. One of the girls introduced herself to me, I told her a little bit about myself, then she asked if I had an Instagram and if we could be friends. She looked normal enough and was about my age and appeared to have a twin sister within the group. Before she asked she said "I know this is strange but" I don't know if she was just really friendly or had other motives and I guess I might never know. I kindly gave her my Instagram username (the wrong one on accident) and she gave me her number and told me she worked at a restaurant in Denver. She said that if I came tomorrow that she would pay for my dinner. I didn't end up going. She never gave me a time or pressured me into giving information which I feel like manipulators would do, but I couldn't take any chances. I walked the small trail along the side of the lake then went back to my car and drove to the hot springs. 

    The hot springs were definitely one of my favorite things of the whole trip. Especially the private hot springs located in a cave. The Native Americans had discovered these hot springs, and used them as a sort of healing element. Within the resort there are a lot of options. You can stay over in hotel rooms, get massages, take a mud bath, go to a public hot spring called "the pool", reserve a private bath, reserve outdoor hot tubs, or go into a private cave hot spring. I did a combo which included "the pool" and the cave hot spring. I changed into my swimsuit and then went into the pool. The pool was in a greenhouse type of place with tropical plants in planters around the pool. The pool was nice, but felt almost like a normal pool. There were kids treating it like a normal pool. It was still cool anyway. I spent about 15 minutes in "the pool" before going into the private caves. The caves were separated by gender, and were perfectly quiet. There were 3 hot springs, each in increasing temperature from front to back. The temperature of the caves was also high, so it felt like you were in a sauna as well. Only one other woman was utilizing one of the hot springs at the time, and she ended up leaving so I had the cave to myself for awhile. It felt like pure relaxation. Picture your best hot tub experience and multiply it by two, add a sauna, and the smell of eucalyptus and you get the Indian hot springs. Getting out of the hot spring and walking was a little bit hard on my body as it was so hot, but I managed. I ended up sitting in a hallway outside the cave on a bench to cool down before reentering again. The process of cooling my body down was very calming as well. I went in a second time and tried a different hot spring then went out again to sit on the same bench. I was then satisfied with my visit, and decided it was time to leave. I left and went down the street to a Subway before heading back to my AirBNB for the night. 

Denver Trip Day 2: 16th St. Mall and Georgetown Train

   In the morning I traveled to downtown Denver to visit the 16th St. Mall. The 16th St. Mall is a mile of stores that could be found at a mall, hence the name. There is also restaurants and souvenir shops throughout. There are also free mall buses that stop at each block of the mall, which is really nice. You can get to the specific places you want to go to way quicker. I started at the block of the mall closest to a public parking garage I had found that charged way too much. 😛 One of the first things I spotted without trying was the Hard Rock Cafe. Being an avid music fan I knew I had to stop. I checked out their gift shop first and got a few things included a guitar shaped pin with Denver attractions that said Hard Rock Cafe on it and a Mason jar that also said Hard Rock Cafe Denver on it. (You can pay extra on your drinks to get a free glass or Mason jar included with your purchase after your meal.) I signed up for the rewards program while in the gift shop then sat in the restaurant part for lunch. I ordered the nachos. For joining the rewards program you got free dessert. The free dessert ended up being a piece of cheesecake or a giant sundae, which I was pleased to get. After finishing my nachos and icecream I looked at some of the music memorabilia that was there. This particular hard rock cafe was two stories. Two memorable items at this hard rock were a suit John Lennon wore to the Grammy's and the sled the Beatles used while filming the movie, "Help". As decoration for Christmas the restaurant had their small stage decorated with a Christmas tree, and a drum set. The photo op was too good to pass up. 

   While shopping at the "mall" I was able to pick up a Christmas gift for my dad and brother.  At one of the shops the cashier talked about his experience living in Denver and was actually excited for the forecasted snow later in the week because he felt the snow really made Denver shine. I was okay with not seeing snow while in Denver. 

   I then went to the AirBNB for a quick rest before traveling to Georgetown for the "Christmas Train". Georgetown is a historical mining town where in the late 1800s gold and silver were found. The Georgetown loop train is a steam powered train that drives through the mountains on a recreated track that used to be there. Georgetown was an hour to travel too so I made sure I left 1 hr. 20min before my reservation at 5pm. I went through some Denver traffic, and so my GPS updated my ETA to 4:58pm. Two minutes before the train would begin to leave. I called the place telling them what my ETA was and drove a little faster than I should have. The place said they would hold the train for me. Even driving faster than I should have I still arrived at 4:58pm. (Suffice to say Google Maps has an insane standard for ETAs). I hurriedly walked to get onto the train, but was stopped. Apparently you had to have a printed out ticket and a digital ticket wouldn't be enough. An employee told me to go print out a ticket, and that the train was leaving. I was very frustrated after having driven so long. I didnt think they would be able to schedule me for the next one, but they did. Unfortunately the next train wouldn't be until 6:30. At that time all the shops were closed in Georgetown so I settled for a coffee shop and waited for time to pass then drove back up to the train depot. The train was near the top of a mountain so it was really windy and snowy up there. When you drove a little ways down the snow disappeared which was a strange occurence.     On the train there were three different sections of train to choose from. One with tables, I sat in the cheapest section which had a bench on each side of the train to sit on and no food or drink offered. Outside were Christmas light displays you could look at as the train was driving. One of the employees said it took them four months out of the year to set up the displays and decorate the train cars. The lights were beautiful but hard to take pictures of. All in all I think this was a much more magical experiences for the kids that were on the train then for adults, although I did enjoy knowing the history of Georgetown and the train while riding along. I'm thinking I would have much more enjoyed riding the train during the day and seeing the mountains and other scenery than Christmas lights, but I'm glad I did it. 

   The ride to and from Georgetown can best be described as "a long and winding road" or in this case highway. A highway to get around all the mountains or in the case of the Memorial Tunnel, through the mountain. It definitely makes driving in Colorado more interesting. Driving west means driving towards the mountains, and driving back to Denver meant the opposite. Although the city lights of Denver at night were really something else. I am always so mesmerized seeing city lights at night. 

Emotions, Accountability, and God

   Emotions are hard, and your brain can suck sometimes. This week was an emotional week for me. Tuesday and Wednesday being the hardest. I started working at a new school (Grewenow) after having a break after leaving the last school (Hillcrest). I was excited to work at a new school, after the high stress intensity of Hillcrest. I didnt go into this week with a negative mindset, but my brain had other plans. 

    On Tuesday my emotions hit me really hard, and by the second hour of the workday I was on the verge of crying most of the day. I had to continually wipe my eyes and try to calm down. By the afternoon I was able to control it a little, but it freaked me out. I was glad when the end of day came, thinking when I went home I would feel better, but I didn't.  Instead I felt full of anxiety, and had thoughts of wanting to quit, because I really didn't think I could make it the rest of the week working there. 

   When Wednesday came around and I couldn't make it past 9:30am before having to go home from being on the verge of crying again, I beat myself up. Who cries on their first week of work? Why was I even crying, Grewenow was nothing like Hillcrest? Was I not ready to do this job? I feel so immature? What do the other staff think of me? What if my mental health is declining? Theres no reason I should be feeling this way. I was fine last week,  and on and on,ruminating. The thoughts were so strong and so powerful that I thought distraction would be the only way to help. Knowing that distraction would only add as a little bit of a buffer. The negative thoughts seemed stronger than the positive ones. I called a friend from the church, and we talked for an hour. It didn't seem to help at the time, when talking to someone usually does for me. She pointed me to Jesus, and told me not to give up on my job, or make big decisions based on my emotions, also to quit beating myself up. In the hard times when the bad thoughts seem to outweigh the good, pray even when you don't feel like it's working because it is. The truth is I hadn't gone to church in the last three weeks, and hadn't been praying much or reading the Bible. When you've gone awhile without these things, you can start to feel off. Thursday morning I put on worship music when I got up. I didnt tear up when I got to work. I had a stomachache but finally things seemed a lot more manageable. I was getting to know the job more, feeling less isolated, etc. 

   The reason why I felt these intense emotions comes down to a plethora of reasons. 1)unprocessed emotions from working at Hillcrest surfacing 2) unprocessed emotions of grief from my grandmas death earlier in the fall 3) fear of mental health decline 4) other people's health worries 5) Satan trying to make me give up and focus on these bad feelings. The devil knows I have been most challenged in life through my journey with anxiety. He used it as a way to see myself as weak. The truth is he doesn't want me to realize how strong I really am. He wants to destroy God's plan for my life. He wants to destroy the positive impacts I'll have on these kid's lives, etc. The truth is I had a really valid reason to feel all these emotions so strongly, and it sucks that they all had to be felt at once.  The truth is when God looks at me he sees a mighty warrior. I may not see it or feel it, but that's okay because God does, and he'll only use this experience to make me stronger. He works everything together for good, we need only to trust in him. I can trust in him when things are hard, and seem impossible.