The Meaning Behind Some of My Favorite Songs

    I thought it would be fun to do some research on some of my favorite songs. So without further ado, I hope to hit multiple bands, so one song might intrigue you rather than being the same type of song for all. (Confession: Most of these songs are acoustic, I guess I prefer acoustic sounds to electric instruments.) After each song I'll post a lyric (its hard to pick a favorite.)

    Starting out with my favorite band of all time, The Beatles. This has been my favorite Beatles song for a couple years now, so you can be confident this isn't a phase??? I don't know ha ha.

        "I've Just Seen A Face"- The Beatles
                 My interpretation: The lyrics are pretty easy to follow in this song. It seems that they the song is written about love at first sight. Seeing someone, and just being attracted to what you see, whether that be appearance or maybe what the person is doing. It's about being infatuated, and falling in love with what your seeing. The lyrics talk about how there is something different about this particular person, and how they seem like the perfect match.

                  The Research:  This song was written about Jane Asher, Paul McCartneys then girlfriend. He wrote "I Saw Her Standing There" as well about her. Paul would play this song a lot on the piano during family get together's and his aunt loved the song. Paul almost originally named it after her. It was different from anything The Beatles had done before, and Paul McCartney describes it as being an uptempo country western song that keeps pulling you forward.

        Featured Lyric:   "I have never known the like of this I've been alone and I have, missed things and kept out of sight for other girls were never quite like this."

          "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"- The Beatles
                     My interpretation: I'm actually pretty sure this song appears on the same album, and is another acoustic song written by The Beatles. I think this song is written about a break up, and feeling that you can't go on without that person in your life. Maybe feeling as if people seem to be laughing at you for being lonely.
           
                     The Research: The song is actually about a guy being heartbroken due to the girl he likes being with someone else. People laugh at him, because they know his issue. He is reminded to try to hide his love for her. He is too heartbroken to picture himself being with anyone else. It is rumored the song was written about the Beatles manager Brian Epstein, as having to hide his homosexuality. When John Lennon wrote this he said that he wasn't feeling any of the emotions that are within the song. This was the first Beatles song to have other musicians featured, these musicians played flutes.

       Featured Lyric: "How could she say to me "Love Will Find a Way?" Gather round all you clowns, let me hear you say......HEY! You got to hide your love away!" 

    Getting away from The Beatles and onto Green Day, with two....you guessed it....acoustic songs.  I don't know man, there's something about a natural instrument sound. 1st up:

       "Last Night on Earth"- Green Day 
                My interpretation: This song was my favorite Green Day song, and even favorite song for a couple of years. I have overplayed it so much now that it has been passed up, but its still significant to me. All of these songs have been love songs thus far....but I guess a majority of songs are love songs. This song is a love ballad written for someone that you deeply care about and love. All of this person's love, is for this person, and every breath.

               The Research: There are two different theories. 1) Billie Joe Armstrong wrote this about his wife while on tour when he missed her. 2) The album 21st century Breakdown tells a story of two characters Christian and Gloria, and this is the song he sings to confess his love before she goes brain dead in the next song. "Before the Lobotomy". Some have also said that they interpreted it to be about a soldier writing home to their significant other about how much they love them in case they die in the war.

        Featured Lyric: "With every breath that I am worth here on Earth, I'm sending all my love to you." 

        "Ordinary World"- Green Day 
         My interpretation: There's not many lyrics in this song, and I don't have a definite clue what its saying but my guess is either he believes an ordinary world is boring and he needs adventure, or he wishes he could just live in an ordinary world to escape the celebrity world.

            The Research: According to an interview done with Billie Joe Armstrong this song was written about wanting simplicity in life, especially with all the new technologies and chaos in the world. The song was written for a movie of the same name starring Billie Joe Armstrong. In the story Billie Joe portrays a once famous musician leaving a band to be a father.

         Featured Lyric: "What would you think if you saw a shooting star, in an ordinary world?" 

   Onto the next artist twenty-one-pilots. Tyler Joseph is probably the greatest lyrical genius in history and living today. His lyrics have so much depth to them in every song. His songs are filled with so many layers that its hard to only pick two significant songs. But here are two that I have chosen. With twenty-one-pilots, how you interpret the song may be vastly different from what it actually means.

       "Goner"- twenty-one-pilots 
          My interpretation: Like I said, it is very hard to interpret twenty-one-pilots songs, and it seems like most people interpret the songs differently and usually Tyler Joseph is vague to keep it that way. So the research part may be what other people think it means. I feel like the beginning of the song is about someone close to giving up, but by the end they are coming to terms with they actually don't want to give up and cry out for help. This song is very repetitive so this song doesn't contain many lyrics either.

          The Research: There are many interpretations. Some people think the story is about defeating the dark side of yourself where your demons reside, other think maybe he is calling out to God or to his audience. He might be calling out to his audience to get to know who he really is. (he being the lead singer, Tyler Joseph). His lyrics are very personal, and share a lot about the thought processes that go on in his head.
     
   Featured Lyric: "I'm a goner somebody catch my breath...I wanna be known by you." 

      "The Judge"- twenty-one-pilots 
      My interpretation: I think this song is about Jesus as the judge. The person is pleading for Jesus to set him free, but he's not sure if hes worthy enough due to past sin. That'd he realizes he doesn't deserve heaven, but hoping God will be gracious towards him.

      The Research: The other interpretations basically coincide with what I interpreted with a few added things. First that the person is justifying why he should go to hell, and that the person is dealing with a lot of depression throughout the song, and sees that as a bad and shameful thing.

    Featured lyrics: "I found my way right time, wrong place as I plead my case." 

   Since Tyler Joseph has some pretty genius lyrics I thought I'd add the four lyrics I probably use most in conversation. So here's that.
                          " This is not what I had planned, this is not what I had planned!"- Forest
                           "I've been thinking to much, help me." - Ride 
                           "My friends and I, we got a lot of problems"- Polarize 
                          "I'm a kitchen sink, you don't know what that means, because a kitchen sink to you is not a kitchen sink to me...okay friends? -Kitchen Sink

  Onto Panic! at the Disco now. I only really came to love Panic! at the Disco for a few years now, but I do believe Brendon Urie is another insanely creative lyric writer. He is also super talented in many areas including an impressive vocal range. I only have one song for this band, although I do appreciate a lot of their music. This is the one song that has stuck with me, since the beginning that I have really liked. (Surprise...it's acoustic).

      "Northern Downpour"- Panic! at the Disco
            My interpretation: This is a hard one for me to interpret, but I believe it's another love song, and the person professing his love to the other person.

            The Research: People have interpreted the song to be about appreciating the little things in life, not being interested in worldly things. It's about a girl and a guy moving in separate directions but not coming together, so its more about moving on. The world is a difficult place so find joy in just surviving.

       Featured Lyric: "I know the worlds a broken bone, but melt your headaches call it home." 
       Bonus Lyric: "I missed your skin when you were East, you clicked your heels and wished for me"
   
     Moving on from Panic! comes a song by Troye Sivan. This wasn't a song he had written, but a collab with the band Zedd. I always thought the music in the background was catchy, and interesting. (For those of you who don't know, Troye Sivan was a YouTuber who shared funny skits as well as cover songs and original music. Troye became famous once one of his songs got noticed, and now he is pursuing his music career.)

      "Papercut"- Zedd featuring Troye Sivan 
             My interpretation: The lyrics seem to be portraying a fight between a couple. They feel like whatever they're fighting about is a much bigger deal than it is, since its personally painful. They never meant to hurt each other.

           The Research: People have interpreted this song to be about a fight between a couple, like I interpreted. After the fight they realize that it was no big deal, what they fought about didn't really matter. Other than this interpretation, I couldn't find a lot of other information on this song.

           Featured Lyric: "Right now it feels like we're bleeding, so deep that we might not get back up"

       "Cancer"- My Chemical Romance 
                My interpretation: This song is pretty straightforward. I don't know why I like it so much, because it tells such a tragic story. I first discovered this song when it was covered by twenty-one-pilots but I thought I would give credit to the original writers of this song. This song is told through the point of view of a person with cancer who is dying. In the song they are saying to their significant other goodbye and how hard it is for them to leave them behind. In the lyrics it also shows they're thinking about the future and how they will never get married, and how horrible it must be to see him this way.
                    The research: The research basically restates what I interpreted above.

      Featured Lyric: "Now turn away, cause I'm awful just to see. All my hairs abandoned, all my body, all my agony." 

    The rest of my favorite songs are worship songs since those are pretty straightforward, I will just post a favorite lyric from each.

       "Build My Life"-HOUSEFIRES 
            "Open up my eyes in wonder. Show me who you are, and fill me with your love, and lead me in your love to those around me."

      "Just Be Held"- Casting Crowns
              "Your life's not falling apart it's falling into place. I'm on the throne stop holding on, and just be held." 

        "Us for Them"- Gungor 
               "His judgement comes to us, and his judgement is love, may our judgement be love."
  
          "The Proof of Your Love"- for King and Country 
                  "Let my life be the proof, the proof of your love, let my life look like you and what your made of, how you lived how you died, love is sacrifice."


         

         
          




       

Are People Worth It?

  The inspiration to write this post has been floating in my mind since Saturday so I thought I'd get my thoughts down.  When inspiration strikes the words flow around in my head, and I keep thinking of new ways to express my thoughts. Almost all my blogppst have been prewritten and edited within my mind beforehand. I can do this before I speak, however my words cone out so much better written down then spoken out for me.
   I'm not sure why included the top part,  I thought it might be cool to see a little of what goes on in my mind. This weekend I was indirectly asked if people with worth it and if I was naive for trusting people so easily.
     You would think a girl who has experienced quite a bit of bullying that I would say no, people aren't actually worth it, but this isn't the case. That thought is a unhealthy seed of bitterness. In a world of so much negativity I want to have a positive influence on people. To make them see joy in their lives, to be patient with them, to listen, to serve, to make it seem as if the world wasn't so dark after all. To be a light.
     God's path for me is to work with people.  To love people. You can look into all the false motives of a person or detect all their flaws or you can pick out the positive characteristics and focus on those. This weekend a person pinpointed the reasons I should have trust issues, naming false things about my friends as truth. What they didn't know is I'm very intuitive.  I can tell when a person doesn't actually care or is lying to me or has bad motives, and I can tell when a person is being genuine with me or trying their best. Even if they do treat me wrong. I forgive.  God has love for us all and we were made in his image to be Christ-like. It is Christ-like to have love for those around us. To be patient and kind. People want to be loved. Some people are harder to love, but love them anyways. Hate the sin and corruption in people's lives but not the person. Everyone has a purpose. Be encouraging.
Much love to you all.

Being off of Facebook

      At a church conference at the beginning of March I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. It is something I considered in the past, but never actually did. The whole not being able to be reached 24/7, and having more real relationships in life were appealing. (I don't like how Facebook shows if you've read a chat, this allows the person on the other end to think that you are purposely avoiding them, if it takes awhile for you to respond.) One of my friends, Macheala deactivated her account back in December. I remember being sad that she had. In all honesty that's so weird. I could still literally call her and visit her whenever I wanted. Her going off of Facebook did not weaken are friendship at all, maybe it even strengthened it, due to it being a little harder to reach out to her. A couple of my other friends never had Facebook or deleted it, and also feel a sense of freedom and happiness.
 
     So back to the conference, God pointed out to me that Facebook was becoming to important in my life. I would have thoughts throughout the day like, wow that would be great to post of Facebook. But why? To increase my self-esteem when a group of people "liked" my status? I would also go on Facebook, multiple times of day for no reason at all. It was an addiction. A bad addiction. It bred jealousy. Suddenly I was wondering why my pictures weren't getting as many likes as some of my "mutual" friends. I would compare my lives to the lives of others, and see what my life was lacking. I wanted the things other people had, whether consciously aware of it or subconsciously. Subconsciously I became more self conscious.

     I went back to Facebook for 5 days last week. Not because I relapsed, but because I needed to figure out summer housing. Although I was pretty good at keeping off of it those 5 days I started experiencing negative emotions. Annoyance, and good old jealousy. I have these moments sometimes where I'm just so sick of being single, and overthink it too much. Facebook helps encourage this thought process within me. Showing pictures of my friends and their significant others, and how happy they are. Especially within my church. Once you get in a relationship in my church its almost certain to be lifelong and lead to marriage. This makes me wonder where my guy is. My friends have found their "likely" husbands my age and younger. Within my family my brother started dating his now wife at 18, and my parents started dating when my mom was 19. Why am I not experiencing this. Why is it being prolonged in my life. Where's my person to love, where's my promise ring, etc... How lucky are these people? I think of the possibility of not meeting someone and staying single the rest of my life. I look at the single ladies at my church who long to be married but they aren't. I've become a professional third wheel with my friends. I do love that they are in relationships, and how happy they are but I can't help to think about my own life. How my mom said 4 years ago, I know your time is coming "soon". Is she shocked nothings happened in those 4 years? Am I nor relationship material?

        The devil uses media in general to confuse people, and social media is one of those things he uses to make self-esteem drop. We get addicted to it, and actually think its benefiting us when its actually hurting us instead. I lay down the thoughts of not being fully content with my singleness at God's feet. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, that isn't Christlike. It's hard not to get in sinful habits of thoughts however in a broken society like ours.

    Finally, do I miss anything about Facebook. Being off of Facebook has been surprisingly simple, although I do find myself on YouTube a ton now, which may be another issue. The two things I miss are is advertising my  blog. I went from 60+ reads to under 10. (I'd be surprised if you're reading this right now honestly) and pictures. A couple times I've been out with friends and one of my friends will mention the others picture they had posted on Facebook. When this happens, I am just completely clueless. But that might actually be okay. Missing events to is another thing, although it hasn't appeared to have happened to me yet. Some things are only really advertised online and not so much in person. These include theatre productions, church events, group hangouts etc. (This blogpost is much longer than I intended it to be.)

A Godly Relationship is the Best Relationship

            I am a single woman, more importantly a single Christian woman. No hookups or fake relationships but real ones. One's I know will last. I genuinely believe a godly relationship and godly friendships are the best ones you can have, here's why.

             I'll start out talking about romantic relationships, and start off with this statement. Almost everyone has a husband or wife out there when they're single. Waiting for the right timing to come into our lives. So when you're dating someone you should see a potential for marriage. You also should be very careful within a relationship until your married to make sure you're being respectful of that someone else's wife or husband if they end up not being your own. You should be able to be friends once the relationship ends, because things never went farther then they were supposed to. Wouldn't it be so much more worthwhile for you and your husband to remain pure, untouched, giving 100% of yourself to your husband/wife like God intended.

            This was God's intention, but its rare for people to have a relationship like this. Desires and lust take over, and it doesn't matter. Our society puts such a big emphasis on being in a relationship as well as being sexually active, basically saying that if you're single and/or a virgin you must be really ugly or really hard to love. Those lies are so loud that it's so easy to believe them. I used to.

           Having just left high school, and being treated poorly there, I thought guys would find me as unattractive as the ones in high school did. I was wrong, and I hung out with the first guy who liked me. We were opposites, and I knew I wasn't ever going to marry but somehow I stuck with him. I acted on emotion rather than real love. Our relationship went fast, so much so I don't even know if I should refer to it as a real relationship. Doing things, then questioning why they happened after only knowing each other a really short time. Society is convincing though, as I stated before. Convincing and Loud. I really thought I loved him, even knowing we'd probably never make it.

        His feelings were temporary. In life he was never satisfied. Trying to find something to fill an empty void within himself. We stopped intentionally seeing each other, but would still each other pretty often due to living on the same floor. I felt bad for him but was also disgusted by him. (I'm fine now, he's been fully forgiven). Our friendship was ruined, hearts were unprotected, and we acted on emotion. Devastating heartbreak. It could of all been avoided with a godly foundation. With a godly foundation your heart is protected, and you don't act on emotion. You may still experience sadness after a break up, but it will be fast-healing because little damage will be done.

        What I should of done, was just remain his friend. He was in a time of finding out who he was and what he believed in. Until you know what you believe in, your relationship will be unstable. After being around him in social events, I would of noticed this and know that he wasn't the best option or an option at all. I would have politely declined him, and moved on with my life. I was vulnerable when I started college, however but God has taught me so much through this experience.

         You would think it would of been over, once this "relationship" ended but it didn't. While I was grieving the lost relationship I entered the wrong place at the wrong time. It's still hard to believe it happened. But after this "break up" I was even more vulnerable. Another guy, one who must be able to pick up on vulnerable women came over by me. He was very sneaky and I was blindsided. He was in a different place then me in life, being 25, and I at the time 18. I could see the age difference, and was not interested in anything more, and I thought surely that he didn't want anything to do with me either.  I was wrong.
         
      He played it safe, and treated me as a friend. Just a friend, that was all that I wanted. I even thought of him as an older brother. (Just thinking back to that, makes me sick.) Since I didn't pick up on his motives, I thought it would be completely harmless when he invited me to his room. Promising we would just "hang out." I soon realized his intentions with me, and once he found out I was still a virgin, I was even more irresistible. He manipulated me until I trusted him. Ignoring my conscious that was clearly shouting. The voice of society was even louder. Deafening.

       I remember him bragging about all the women he had ever had sex with. (I'm pretty sure the number was in the 40's). He wanted to have sex with me to, but I was indecisive on what that would mean. I prayed to God for a solution, and was able to escape the situation. A few days later I gave my life to Jesus. I had always believed in God, but I truly put him as the center of my life at that point. He saved me from something I would so majorly regret. I'd be a number. A woman who had lost her virginity to a manipulative man. It would have hurt me beyond belief if I had gone through with it. Not being able to give my virginity to my husband, after having given it to such a corrupted person.

   After having given my life to Jesus I clearly heard him say to longer contact him anymore. I obeyed, and told him to not speak to me again. I was worried that he would just prey on another helpless girl like I had been. I'm happy to say that was the last time I was ever with a person I didn't see potential in. I've had to reject some people, and distance myself to protect my heart as well as theirs. It's a hard thing to do, and seems picky, but its the least painful route. I don't want to spend time on relationships that will go nowhere and hurt in the end. People who act on emotion, and aren't picky usually end up breaking up or it ends in divorce. I want a relationship with a strong foundation. A good foundation can be built through the mutual love of Jesus. Things usually fall apart when Jesus isn't in the center of our relationships or even friendships.
 
   A short paragraph on friendships. Since I have followed Jesus for real, I have had the strongest friendships. I'm sure that most of these friendships I have made through church will be long-lasting. These friends are intentional about checking up on you, and seeing you. These friends see the value in who you are, and encourage you to be greater. These friends discuss Jesus with you. These friends don't only talk about themselves or their circumstances. These friends pray for you when you need something. Etc. I could go on and on. There's so much love in these friendships, and I feel so valued. This is how God intended friendships to be. Though not as perfect since human's are not perfect.

I Was an Outcast

                People were mean, and I seemed to be bullied for no reason, all throughout my schooling years. Starting in 4K. I guess that's not normal. Kindergarten and 1st grade are supposed to be amazing, but I didn't experience that. By the time you enter high school, you have a label that sticks with you, that you can't rid yourself of. You are the label, and nothing else. I thought for sure mine was "The literal scum of the Earth, girl with ugly curly hair that's quiet, and hangs around with the weird people." I along with some of my group of friends were treated poorly. People would talk about us behind our backs. Before writing this post I remember one moment in particular that has stuck with me.

             My school had a thing where every two years they would take a trip to Washington D.C. and New York during one week of the summer. I and a few of my friends signed up. For our day in New York City we went to the Hard Rock Café for lunch. It got fairly full, me and my 3 other friends sharing a booth. A booth that could fit 3 people on each side, so we had room. Two guys who were considered kind of popular were placed with us by a waitress. A group of popular kids pulled up extra chairs to their table, and they decided to sit with them, which was fine. However what followed was not okay. A few weeks later there was a group picture of the two guys sitting at the table at the Hard Rock Café with the caption "We saved you." (This was on Facebook).

           Saved you from what? Was it so terrible that you almost had to sit with us? If you had stayed with us maybe you would of learned something. That we really weren't as grotesque as our labels. I was also the talk on Facebook at least 4x I'm aware of. The ones I wasn't supposed to see, but came upon, so who knows how much more there were.

           I literally came to think of myself as being "too ugly", no one dared have a crush on me, or any of my other friends. So I just accepted it. I was probably one of the ugliest girls in our grade. (Of course I don't believe that anymore, but labels are so sticky, and seemingly brainwashing.)

        Another thing I was labeled with in school was being the "quiet girl". It wasn't because I didn't have anything to say, but because my self-esteem became so low, and if I spoke no one would care to listen anyway. (Which is why I think it's so important to give voice to the ones people overlook.) I was mostly quiet during my classes, but once with my friends I was loud, and I really do think being together encouraged us to talk. Before I hung around some of these people, they just wouldn't talk. But after a little time being friends, they were now the loud ones. There voices were heard in our friend group and validated, and that made things okay. We were in this together. The "leftovers" together. Not the "leftovers" alone. The ones just trying to survive high school, which I can gladly say we all did.

               Some people think if I would of hung out with the people I did, I'd be more accepted. First of all, how dare you!? You don't know me, and you don't really know any of them. You haven't even given me or any of them the time of day, so why do you assume they're so insignificant? Everyone's life has a purpose, and to treat some people like they're not important, like their life doesn't matter, or how low of a purpose they have compared to you. Sorry, not sorry, but that is evil. I'm glad I was part of the group of people that I was, I didn't have to act evil to anyone. I just accepted anyone, especially those who felt they weren't special, and honestly that's so important. Looking at a person, and truly seeing them.

   To end, treat people nicely whoever they are. They deserve it, and their life has meaning. So treat them that way.

        This is kind of off topic but really confused me about high school. A lot of the guys acted like total morons. Even the smart ones acted like they were 10 years old. I'm not kidding, I wish I were. Like they made fun of such childish things. Wow you have train tracks on your teeth (braces). I'm sorry but this is high school....focus on something else. They also answered questions as if they were 10 years old and didn't know anything. I know they say boys are immature, but this took it to such an extreme level, and I've never met a guy who acted in such a way since then. It's hard for me to even explain accurately how they acted because it just doesn't make any sense.

The one who Comes to Destroy

         Today I'm doing good. After months of darkness, I found victory! Although victory had come weeks ago for me it is only in the last couple days I have felt it. Coming into great victory should feel amazing. But I didn't feel it. That's because the same one that came and attacked me, wanted to steal my joy. Make me feel less then content when I should feel the utmost joy and strength. He is cunning, he is the Prince of Lies, and hes the one that comes to destroy God's kingdom. I made him angry. He saw the ground I was taking in my walk with God for his kingdom, and he didn't like it. So he played dirty. He knew one of my biggest weaknesses, and used it to send me deep into a pit. But with God, the devil has no victory. He never did and never will. The devil attacks aren't pathetic, they actually exude strength. The blow I took from this attack, rendered me helpless. I was stuck. Really stuck.I didn't know what to do. Most days, especially in the beginning my goal was just to survive.

        Finals week in December was one of the worst weeks of my life. The devil was smart and I declined slowly over a month. Since the effect of his attack affected me little by little I didn't notice it or try to combat it until it was too late. Somehow I made it through Finals Week without giving up, even though when I made it to each classroom I cried. Random spurts of uncontrollable tears. Shame for feeling all these things as a follower of Jesus. But Jesus was there with me through all of this, holding me. I gained strength little by little each week. Even if it was tiny, and seemingly insignificant. The first couple of weeks of my Winter Break I could literally barely move being so trapped by a severe amount of irrational fears. I was angry that I was so helpless, not being able to do the easiest tasks by myself or without a lot of help.

      I got through it though. God's children are warriors. They fight back, and we have the king of kings on our side, and the power of the living God within us. Knowing I had come out victorious, the devil played a trick on my brain, making me not realize the significance of coming out of the battle. The fact that it was a great victory! The fact that God was so proud and is so proud of me. The thankfulness I have towards God for giving me this strength to endure the battle and not let it defeat me in the first place.

Decisions

   It's one of those moments.  A fork in the road.  Which route do you take? What if you choose the wrong path?

   Right now I'm not at peace with being at Parkside. I'm conflicted. But I'm not sure the reason of the confliction. Is it driven by fear. The fear of having just pulled myself out of a deep hole, I'll fall back into it. Could it be compared to someone walking on their broken leg before it was fully healed.Am I to weak yet and need to build my strength instead of doing these classes at half strength.  Is the confliction driven by the devil who is looking to deceive me, and make me feel unrest. Is God providing these conflicting thoughts so I'll get out of Parkside? If I just knew what God wanted I'd find peace. I'd find peace with being at Parkside if this is what he wanted of me. I find myself wishing to be a commuter sometimes, because at the end of the day they get to be home with pets and family. Never before have I questioned in a season if I should be at Parkside. This is the first time. I'm struggling to hear the answer. So this is where I'm at. Hopefully I come to a conclusion soon. I'm hoping God will speak clearly to me.