Why We Cry Poem (The Heart of a Girl)

My friend Lizzy wrote this, and I felt inspired to post it because I think it's beautiful.  :)  I relate to this so much.
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We do it a lot I guess.
Crying.
I bet you think we cry for no reason sometimes.
That we don't know why we cry.
But you're wrong.
There's a reason.
A reason for every salty drop.
Each tear has a story.
They're reflections of our hearts.

It's simple really.
We love too much.
Too strongly.
Too deeply.
When we love someone we'd do anything for them.
Give anything.
Just to see them happy-
But so often they never see us.
They leave.

We care too deeply.
About everything.
People.
Kittens.
Stuffed animals.
Everything.
We want to take the whole world in our arms and protect it.
Never let it get hurt.
But we can't.
We forget to for protect ourselves.
And the very thing we try to protect hurts us.

We hold on too long.
We can't let go.
Or maybe we don't want to.
Those moments were so special.
They didn't mean to hurt us.
They'll come back.
Someday-
But they don't.

We give too much.
Our dreams. Our fears. Our secrets.
All you have to do is ask.
We'll tell you anything if you listen.
It's important.
We give you pieces of ourselves you know.
But you forget.
And it hurts.

We trust too easily.
We've been betrayed so often-
Hurt so much!
But we want so desperately to be able to trust again-
So we do...
We never learn I guess.

We need love.
desperately.
We love so hard because we know what it's like.
To live without it.
To be Rejected.
Not good enough.
Pretty enough.
And we try so hard-
To be lovable.
But we end up used.
I wish so many of us didn't settle for less-
but we do...

It's not a weakness you know.
Crying.
It's a strength.
We're strong enough to care-
To show we care.
So much.
We're strong enough to feel the pain.
Not to bury it deep-but FEEL it.
Live with it.
Even when it's unbearable we bear it.

We never give up.
We still believe in some days.
Wishing.
Dreaming.
Trying.
Ever afters and chocolate

We believe in laughing
Summer nights
Rain
Shooting stars
and pillow fights

But mostly, we believe in love-
Because it's beautiful
Even when it hurts
Even when we cry...

Things to Ponder (Part 1)

 Comparisons of things to other things to produce thought, about the ways of the universe and a being behind the production of the world.

-Asking Questions about why things happen:  The thing that we seem to struggle most about..... We want to know why things happen, but wanting to know things might be the cause of our troubles.   Adam and Eve sinned and were given the knowledge of good and evil.  They knew more than they were supposed to, and were ashamed about things like the fact that they were naked.  It never mattered before because they didn't know, it was just the way it was.  When they saw what was good and evil they began to question God.  We need to trust God regardless of what we know or don't know, then we can truly be at peace.

-If A God Exists Why Can't We See Him?:  Just like a builder of a house, isn't a part of the house itself like something you can see, like a fireplace doesn't mean you don't believe that the builder of the house didn't build the house.  Just like looking at a house won't allow you to learn much about the builder itself just by looking at the house.  It's the same with  a spiritual being just because "God" isn't a part of the Earth doesn't mean he didn't create it, and by just looking at the universe, you won't learn much about God himself.  

- Evil Can't Exist Without Goodness:  Things that are evil.  Badness is caused by people using the wrong methods to get something good.  In order for someone to be evil, they must possess the good things of intelligence and free will.  This would explain why the devil is considered a fallen angel.

-An Evil World:  We are in a world full of evil things.  On Earth we are at war between good and evil.  When we go to church, it's like we are gaining spiritual weapons to use against the evil forces which is why the enemy tries to keep us from going.  The enemy plays on our conceit, laziness, or intellectual stubbornness to get us not to go.

-The Concept of Atheism: If atheism was a true concept, the meaning of the universe would be simple. We know however that the universe isn't a simple thing but a complex thing.  The fact that the planets are so different but all act nearly the same as they all revolve around the sun, even though there are various differences between all the planets.  If atheism is true that would mean that the universe has no meaning.  This is flawed though, because in order to know the definition of meaning in the first place something must of put the thought into our heads. 

(Inspired by the book Mere Christianity) 

A Message to College Freshman

Here is a list of myths about your freshman year at college, and my actual experiences to go with these myths.

-You'll stay best friends with the people you meet right away:  This is partially true, I met one of my college best friends on the 2nd day of school, and I've been so thankful to have her throughout all of my college experience so far (Laurette).  Otherwise most of the people I met on my floor were the type of people I wouldn't want to associate with, all of their friendships were artificial.  Once I moved to the 1st floor of the dorms, whenever I would see them they just acted like they didn't know me, and I was glad to have moved them out of my life.  Minus my friend Nicole from the third floor.  I don't know how she ever dealt with all those people.  For me it took about two months until I found my friend group (family) at college.  (It's okay/normal to feel alone, and not find those people right away) If you go to a college knowing absolutely no one like me.

The Freshman 15:  A lot of the food at college is unhealthy, so you'll definitely have your fill of that.  I ended up gaining 10 pounds.  I still look fine so it's not much to worry about.

It's Okay to Skip Class: For some classes it's okay to skip a few classes, since most classes aren't mandatory in classes.  Some classes though like to randomly give you tests you can't make up on the days your not there, and some it will be hard to learn the material if you even miss one class.  So some classes you should definitely try not to skip.

Say Yes to Everything:  Freshman year is so full of experiences, your going to want to try a lot of new things, but sometimes your just going to need to rest or work on homework, and you'll have to say no, and that's totally okay.  It's totally okay to say no sometimes.

You'll Still Be Friends With Your High School Friends:  There's only two people I keep in contact with a ton yet since high school has ended, and that's my friend Amber, and Angela.  Your going to lose contact with some of your friends.  You begin to realize some people you only tolerated because you had to see them five days a week.  For me a lot of people moved away from my hometown, so it's hard to meet up with them, or they're busy working.  If their true friends though, you'll find away to keep in contact with them.  So yes you'll lose some people, but not the people that matter the most to you.  I thought I would miss some of the people from my grade after graduation but I honestly only miss a very few people.

Homesickness:  You're going to be homesick and that's okay, it was really hard for me the 1st week but it does get easier.  You're pets are probably going to be the biggest thing you'll miss.

Don't Trust People So Easily:  I trusted a lot of people that abused my trust, and although I learned from it, I wish I'd avoided those people in the first place.

Be Open-Minded:  If your close-minded you won't be able to experience things you wouldn't think you'd like, but end up liking them.  I'm very different then what I expected myself to be at college.

   If you have any questions about college, and what to expect don't be afraid to send me a message, and I'll answer your questions as best as I can.

My Ideal Guy

     I usually wouldn't do a post like this, but I think it's important to know what you want in a person, versus being totally unsure when going into a relationship.  You can avoid a lot of "bad" relationships that way.  If you don't know what you want people can take advantage of that.
      Recently when thinking about my future as a person going through a transitional time in their life usually does I've been putting thought into this.  Some guys, I would overlook because they seemed like the "perfect" Christian.  That they had their lives figured out.  I would look at myself as insufficient, because I wasn't yet as strong in my faith as them.  I'd think to myself: "Wow, they're going to make a girl really happy one day.  Whenever that thought would go through my head, another would say "It could be you"  I would always push that voice away because I thought there would be no way.  The more I think about it, the more I think: Yes it could, I do deserve something like that.  There's no one person better than the next, or one that God loves more, it's all based on how built of a relationship they have with God.  The guy is meant to lead the woman in faith, and not lead her astray.
    I want a guy that I can read Scripture with before we go to bed.  One that will keep encouraging me in my faith, who I don't have to prove myself to, because he sees the beauty in me through God.  A guy that when were fighting, stops and we take time to pray together, and let God help us through.  One that will try his hardest to protect my heart so I don't have to hurt.  A guy that I can share my spiritual gifts with, so that we can lead more people to God.
     A guy like that would truly be worth waiting for, and I hope I can come back to this blogpost one day, and smile because this was able to become true.  I'm sick of my heart being hurt.  I've always been one to see the good in people to fast, that I put myself in a vulnerable place.   I just feel like I've been trying to prove myself too much lately, and it just makes me feel not good, but God has already made us all in his image which is perfect, so it's definitely not healthy if I feel like I have to prove myself to someone.  I have faith God will find the perfect one for me, whether they be in my life already, or are still yet to come.

Final Day of Conference

7/24:  This is a little late being posted, since a lot of things have happened this week, but here it is now.
   For our last Young Adult Bible Hour we talked about how God has our name written on his hand.  After discussing this we drew a picture of the Earth with God's hands holding it up, with one of the hands having our names on it.  Written on the Earth were seven C's.  Which each stood for something different.  "C"elebration, "C"ompassion, "C"ollaboration, "C"hrist's Kingdom, In"C"arnation, "C"omplications, and "C"ovenant.
    During lunch I was a busser.  During free time Jeremy, Rachel, Walter, and I hung out at McKelvey.  Jeremy worked on editing the video he made with Walter, while Walter took a nap and Rachel and I made friendship bracelets.  Jeremy was able to finish editing the video while we were sitting there so we got to watch it.  Jeremy showed Maddy part of it before he had been done. along with Dan.
   We decided not to stay in the dining hall for since it was the last night, instead we went to Pizza Joe's with a few other people: Diedra, Hannah, Josh, and a few others.  Rachel and Jeremy stopped at Mugsies quick while we waited for our pizzas to use their gift certificates.

   We were finally able to sit on the couch at the Young Adult meeting after hoping to earlier in the week.  (Rachel, Jeremy. and I), however Rachel chose to sit somewhere else so it was Jeremy, Mary, and I on the couch.  During the Vespers meetings we were given the chance to go up front and give a speech about what he had learned throughout the week.  I was one of the people who went up, and told the story about actually getting to go to Conference after praying about it, and how Conference was like the only thing Jeremy ever talked about, and Pokemon, with a little bit of tie-dye.  Jeremy said that it had been the funniest thing he had heard all week, and he was glad I came.  Also about how everyone had given me such high expectations, I never thought would be met, but they were.

      That night Ellen decided to take our small group out to the labyrinth.  When we left we made sure the small group that was sitting in the lobby knew by singing the Dora Explorer Theme Song with Labyrinth words instead.  (Usually this would have been embarrassing, but everyone participated in the singing and marching of the song).  "Everybody lets go, come on get to work, I know that we can do it!  Where are we going? Labyrinth, where are we going Labyrinth!"  (We're pretty cool).   We decided to drive to the labyrinth instead of walking, which I was happy about.  We got there around 11:30 at night and while we were looking at it, Ellen stopped twice to scare us in the process. :P.  We walked the labyrinth and when we got to the center we prayed about our fears and sang together.  During this beautiful time of prayer and singing, a dinosaur sized mosquito landed on my knee.  I guess Pennsylvania has some huge mosquitoes....When we got back, we sang another song and marched up the stairs.  I then hung out in the lobby for a little bit as people played Spoons, made friendship bracelets, and Smash.

8 Years of Fluff (A Biography on the Best Cat Ever)

   Fluffer the Kitten 
   I was 9 when we found stray kittens in our yard in a tree.  A short-haired all gray one, and a short-haired gray and white one.  We took the two kittens into our smaller garage in our yard to take care of them.  We gave them milk and bread.  (Not knowing that giving milk to kittens is actually bad for them and causes them diarrhea).  A few days later Smokey took off so we went to go looking for him and found two more kittens instead in the cemetery across from our house.  Another all gray kitten we called Ender, and a little chubby gray and white long-haired cat (If you haven't guessed already, that one was Fluffer.)  We then had three kittens living in our small garage, and everyday I would walk down and check on them, or feed them.  Watching three kittens was kind of a big deal for a 9 year old.  It still probably would fill me with so much joy.  The other cats seemed shy compared to Fluffer, and because of this Fluffer seemed to get most of the food.  We referred to him as "Bully" for a little while.  Fluffer would also be the only one who would survive out of the kittens.  The kittens seemed to be abandoned because they had been sick.  (Pretty sure Fluffer was healthy, or overcame his sickness.)  I think I checked on them once before going to school, to find that one had died overnight, Ender.  Someday during this time my dad let us put Sammy, and Fluffer in the house, after supposedly hating cats, and wanting no part of them in our house.  Fluffer, and Sammy had gotten pretty dirty from living out in the garage so my mom decided to wash them in the bathtub.  Sammy ended up going into shock after she had been taken out of the bath.  She would continue to get worse after the bath and end up dying that night.

(Sammy)

 Since the other two kittens had died, we didn't really think Fluffer would live very long either.  But he would.  From being in the garage, Fluffer was moved into our basement, then we convinced my dad to let him be able to roam the house, and keep him in the basement at night.  We then bought cat things for him, and it was all done after that.  Fluffer was officially apart of the family after that.

Wait Fluffer was Skinny?
  Believe it or not growing up,  Fluffer was actually pretty skinny.  My mom used to joke that he looked like he could actually be a weasel.  During his skinny period of life Fluffer wasn't a nice kitty,  If you made him mad, he would chase you around the house, and if he didn't want to be held anymore, he'd cling onto your arm with all fours and hang there or scratch you.  Then like boy cats do he began spraying, so we decided to go in and get him fixed.  This is when Fluffer began to pack on the pounds.  He no longer was athletic enough to chase you as well, all though he could move really fast if he wanted to.  He no longer tried to be mean either, he kind of just chilled out.  Earlier in his life he was more of an outside cat, he absolutely loved being outside.  After he got fixed though, that all changed.  A cat that looked super similar to Fluffer roamed the cemetery across the street for a couple of years, and we guessed that had been the mom of Fluffer's litter.  She would have more kittens and a little old lady would stop by the cemetery everyday at a certain time to put out food for the cat and kittens.

He's Diabetic? 
  One day Fluffer wasn't getting around really well and just kind of laying around so we decided to take him to the vet for some tests, and found out that Fluffer was diabetic.  He lost a lot of weight for awhile because of this.  The vet put him on meds and that seemed to make him improve.  (We're starting to wonder if it was never diabetes afterall, and the pancreatic cancer had been slowly eating him away until now.)  My friend Jeremy also had diabetes so they became diabetes friends.

He's So Fat????
  I would tell people that Fluffer was big, but most people wouldn't actually believe me until they actually saw them and have mini freakout episodes.  Saying things like "That is the fattest cat I've ever seen" or "That's a big cat"  His size made him a very good cuddler, and a comfort for a bad day.  Even people who didn't like cats couldn't help but find Fluffer adorable.  My mom would even sing a song when he was younger "Kitty kitty two by four, can't fit through the kitchen door."  One of my friends, Christian really didn't like cats so he wasn't too excited to meet Fluffer, but then he did and Fluffer turned into a cat he actually really liked.  (My dad secretly liked him, even if he was in denial throughout Fluffer's life.

   When I cuddled Fluffer, he would sometimes cling onto my arm, as if he were giving my arm a hug, and it was probably one of the most adorable things ever.  (He actually did it at the vet's office the last day I saw him, when I held him for the last time.)  Also if you were talking Fluffer would put his paw on your mouth.  I guess he liked his quiet time.  

The End!? (Warning this part is sad) 

   On Sunday August 2nd 2015, we woke up to a very sick Fluffer.  A Fluffer that wouldn't eat, hardly moved. and was breathing weird.  We took Fluffer in for an emergency visit on Sunday, even though the vet's office was closed, the vet came in anyways to help.  The vet took an X-ray on Fluffer and noticed one of his lung lobes was filled with liquid.  She said that it would most likely be pneumonia since the liquid was in the lungs vs. outside the lungs which is a sign of cancer.  They took Fluffer overnight to inject him with steroids and antibiotics to see if he would get any better.  We went home that day, all confident he would get better and that he just had a cold.  It wasn't just a cold.  After more tests it showed Fluffer was not getting any better, and had cancer.  We wouldn't be able to bring him home.  My dad took my brother and I to the Vet's office on the following Tuesday, and we said our final goodbyes to Fluffer, and cried quite a lot.  He was very lively when we first got there, but then slowly started moving less and less.  That evening they put him down.  My mom picked him up the next day and we buried him in the yard, while telling stories about him.  

    There will never be another kitty as fluffy, or as cuddly as this kitty was.  He was a legend, and without him my arm strength will slowly become less and less without a giant kitty to pick up everyday.  :P 

6th Day of Conference (Thursday)

7/23/15:  Jeremy and Walter never showed up to morning meeting this morning.  I think both of them missed.  After they had fallen asleep during Chill on the Hill I guess that they woke back up and stayed up for awhile.  I missed half of the morning meeting the day before from not hearing my alarm.  This Conference is exhausting I guess, I've never slept through an alarm.  It had been going off for a half hour before I noticed.
      At the Young Adult bible hour we talked about labyrinths.  I had no idea what they were until that day. ha ha.  It sounds so mysterious.  Here's an example of one.  It's like a maze you weave through until you get to the center.

We also related life to being like a Maze.  How when you hit a dead end you have to get yourself out.  Dead Ends in a Maze can be anything that is a struggle to get through like doubt, or overthinking.  I also wrote down Psalm 139:18 in my notes for some reason.  I don't remember the reason but it says:" Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand, when I awake, I am still with you."

    For Dining Hall I was put on the best job:  Ice-cream scooping :D I'm much better at putting ice-cream in bowls then in cones I found out though. (Most people wanted cones.)  A boy complimented me on my ice-cream scooping skills, saying he had never had such perfect scoops of ice-cream before. :P 

    After lunch Jeremy's mom took pictures of the four of us (Jeremy, Rachel, Walter, and I).  I think she had been hoping we all were wearing the tie-dye shirts we had made that week, because all of the group I had come with was. (Walter didn't even make a shirt.)

    We then all proceeded to go film a video about Walter and Jeremy.  I completely true video about how they had met, their relationship with their parents, and what Veggie Tale characters each resemble.  They answered each question for each other.  Since this was such a serious video, you can catch me in the background crashed out sleeping while they're doing their interview.  No but really you should watch it, it's pretty great.  :)  Rachel was the camera-person that recorded the whole thing, and Jeremy edited it.  

Our Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3_XzPCUdCU (3 Facts About Walter & Jeremy)

        We started the editing process at the dorms, but the video wasn't able to be all edited at that time. Meanwhile the adult leaders had set up a slip-n-slide on the hill.  (It was a watered down tarp with dish soap down the very very steep hill.)  I went down a few times in all of my clothes, and changed into other clothes.  I went from grassy to classy as one of the girls had put it.  

   At the Young Adult Meeting we did prayer stations.  Prayer Stations uncovered a lot of things I had covered up with my happiness, and humor.  Things I just covered up without properly dealing with them.  I guess it was a good thing to have happen though.  Throughout the next nights I'd have dreams about the things I had buried within my mind.  

      At Chill on the Hill I talked to Cammy and Casey about our prom experiences, and faith, while having grilled cheese and tomato soup.  The food of the night.  That tomato soup was like the best ever.  xD Tomato soup is one of my favorite meals though.  We then played a couple of rounds of Bananagrams as we waited for small group to start.  

       For Small group Ellen was going to take us to the Labyrinth in New Wilmington, but during the Slip N' Slide she had hit her head pretty hard, so small group was cut short for the night.