Things are Falling Into Place

    I used to have high anxiety levels all day.  I could barely get myself to drive 15 minutes, take a 10 minute walk across campus.  I physically needed someone to walk me to class in order to keep my anxiety from exploding.  Last semester walks from my dorm building to the arts building would send me into panic attacks, if I wasn't walking with someone.  I would have to call my mom to have her distract my mind from believing I wasn't in existence.  Over winter break even though it was enjoyable I was even more crippled with anxiety.  As soon as it hit night time I was filled to the brim with anxiety, and simple walks from the couch to the kitchen terrified me.  I had to mentally prepare myself for car rides even if I wasn't driving, especially at night as well.  (I still don't know why).

    As soon as I got back on campus, a place full of stress and busy schedules I instantly felt a lot better.  I still wasn't average though.  That weekend however when I went to church they had a message all about rest and having peace in your mind.  They called anyone up who was dealing with mental illness or physical illnesses and prayed over them individually.  I didn't know if it would help, but I was willing to try.  That morning I had a hard time actually driving to church.  (The feeling of not actually being in a car while your driving, is pretty scary stuff.) I'm telling you a little over a month from then it did help immensely.  I didn't believe it at first, that this miracle would happen and my anxiety would be gone.  I thought it was a coincidence that I was experiencing a very good point in my anxiety which occasionally happens.  But it's definitely been longer than any good point I've had before getting experiencing Depersonalization.

    My classes are scheduled on opposite sides of the campus and I'm able to walk by myself without feeling anxious.  I haven't had to call my mom because of feelings of panic while walking or driving.  My heartbeat is normal while I'm walking places not racing.  I don't need anyone to walk me back to the dorms at night, although they usually do :) I was able to go home for a weekend, and able to easily walk around the house without feeling panicked,   I can drive places without feeling uneasy.  (I haven't driven in the dark a lot though so that's my next goal).  In a few weeks I'm going to start meeting with people from Living Light on Thursday nights so I will have to drive at night to be with them.

   Besides for my anxiety levels being normal I've just been so happy.  I feel as if this is the happiest I've ever been in life or one of the happiest time periods of my life.  Even with all the studying and stress, and tiredness.  I've felt so happy.  I see all the good things around me.  I'm laughing constantly and smiling when I'm with my friends.  I hold my head held high while walking in the hallway, and my shyness seems to have broken.  Everyday is like an adventure to me.  I never know whats going to make me smile or what weird incidence is going to happen or what new inside joke is going to form.  People ask me how I am and I honestly can say I'm doing great, and that's kind of a rare thing to actually mean.  I've been blessed though with so many friends here at college.  Friends that get me.  Friends who are mostly drama-free and so positive and uplifting, I can't wait to see them again.  Those are the friends you should have.  Those you can't wait to see, because you know you're probably going to have an awesome time and they genuinely love you.  I don't have to impress anyone, they'll love me no matter what.  I feel confident without make-up or even in bum clothing. :p  That's the kind of people everyone should have/needs in their lives.

     Don't give up hope guys,  Something I always had through all of this was hope.  Hope things would get so much better, and they did: so much more than I ever felt was possible.  A year a go I probably would not have believed you if you told me I would meet tons of people I would consider my best friends or be one of the leaders of the youth group on campus.  It's a big deal for a Freshman,  Even the beginning of last semester I wouldn't have believed you.  All my friend from the beginning of September minus Laurette were fake.  They couldn't care less about me.  Since I moved to the first floor and pass them in the hallways they don't even bother to acknowledge me.  (These were the people I put my trust in)

    I just wanted to end this by thanking all of you who have supported me throughout this year.  Friends or family:  You have turned me into the best version of me, and I couldn't be happier.  I love you guys so much!  (This is the point where I say knock on wood, because I know things can go from wonderful to bad in a second, so I'm hoping this will prevent that and my life will just keep improving.)