2022 Reflection Post

 Brought in 2022 playing board games and with lots of laughter. The rest of January I dealt with a lot of healing from some traumatic things I dealt with in my last job (Hillcrest). (I thought being out of that job I would feel better right away but I had some healing to do.)

February I started a new job at Caravel which has been a huge blessing. I saw my brother as a lead actor in a play, and then the next weekend went to Milwaukee to see my sister-in-law perform in a different play. I celebrated my golden birthday and turned 26.

In March I attended a virtual meet n greet to meet the members of Phantom Planet, and the lead singer remembered me from when I went to Los Angeles to see Ryan Ross. 

In April I celebrated Easter and saw Xeno in concert with my family, and I got new glasses. 

In May I saw a play that my sister-in-law had directed in Kenosha. I attended the 50s theme songwriting showcase put on by the School of Worship. I got cast in my first play Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors. (Although it was later canceled I now feel confident I can actually memorize lines and perform in a play in the future.) I went up North with my parents for the first time in 10 years. 

In June I went to the School of Worship graduation. Attended Kaitlyn's baby shower. Gave my testimony at homegroup. Mom and Dad visited Kenosha for Father's Day, and new elders were set into my church. I went to Sarah and Daniel's wedding, and met Sarah Shanahan for the first time. 

In July I went to Summerfest with Mary and Megan and their cousin Becca. We had Collectivo Coffee for lunch and saw King and Country. Went to Hayward for vacation with my parents, and did some fishing. We had a cottage near Nelson Lake. We also visited relatives who lived in Northern WI. 

In August I got a hair relaxer put in my hair to get rid of the hair frizz and tame my curls a little.  I attended Green Lake with my church family. I helped paint the Racine building where the new location of the School of Worship would move to. I went to Madison by myself to see iDKHOW in concert. 

In September I went on a family trip back to Hayward to celebrate my great uncle and aunts surprise 50th wedding anniversary. A lot of relatives all went up to Hayward and stayed at the same campground to be able to hang out with each other. We took our dog Drake for his first public camping trip. In September I also switched homegroups in order to help out my friends Trae and Machaela with Cru (a Christian club) at the UW Parkside campus.  This included 6 weeks of 1 day of fasting and prayer that continued into October to pray for campus. In September I also saw MCR live in concert with my friend Faille and went to the Chicago Botanical Gardens. I got to see Faille and Brian's new house in Racine and have a movie night there. I also got promoted at my job. 

In October I went to a baby shower for my friend Machaela for her 2nd baby. I did a little fall photoshoot with my friend Liz. I met Veronica through Cru and started taking her to church. I had a movie night at my house and met my friend Lizzie Milwaukee to have dinner at The Birch. 

In November Phil came to visit from Germany and we had dinner in Chicago together to catch up. I saw the movie Spirited with Mary and Megan. I celebrated Friendsgiving and Thanksgiving. 

In December there was a Cru Christmas party at Trae and Machaela's. My church put on a Christmas program called Tidings.  Celebrated Sarah's birthday at Red Robin. Celebrated Christmas with my old homegroup on the 20th. Went to a movie night at Sarah's. Celebrated Christmas with both sides of my family, and today I got manicure and will celebrate welcoming in the new year at my friend Morgan's house at a formal NYE party. 

 

I spent a lot of Friday nights playing volleyball with the Young Adult's from my church. Spent a lot of hours working at Caravel with kids 2-6 years old with Autism, and attended church most Sundays being involved with Kid's Work and Communion. 

God Used a Will Ferrel Movie to Speak to Me

    I went to the movie theatre last night and saw the movie "Spirited". "Spirited" is kind of like a modern version of "A Christmas Carol". Going in I didn't expect much from the movie. It's a Christmas movie, and Christmas movies are usually okay or not good except for a select few. The Christmas Carol has also been redone so many times, but I was actually impressed by this movie. 

   This movie is about the ghost of Christmas past, present, and future working on redeeming people like what happened with Scrooge. He was a mean, horrible man stuck in his ways, but he was able to changed. In the movie he is described as one who seemed unredeemable.  The movie follows another guy who is considered "unredeemable" in the modern world. Spoiler Alert: the man becomes redeemed, and there's a big celebration. In it also one of the characters questions if he actually was redeemed, due to all the things he had done. 

  The message I got from it, is not the message Hollywood intended. God used this movie as a depiction of the gospel to me. Before we come to God we are unredeemed, but through God's choosing of our lives, and the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross we are redeemed. The devil might come in and try to convince us we actually aren't redeemed, but the truth is that we are and that's a lie. No matter what we have done in the past 

   God spoke this so clearly to me, and today at church other prophetic words came about the gospel and being redeemed through the cross. It's encouraging to know God spoke the same message he was speaking to me to other people as a way of letting me know I was actually hearing him. It's so amazing to know that God can speak to people today, and use all different means of doing so in order to accomplish this. 

My Favorite Products

   These are my favorite products in no particular order :) 

  1) My Doc Martens. I have always loved combat boots, and these were no exception. Instead of spending over $100 which is what this brand usually costs, I found them secondhand on Ebay for $60. 

                              

2) My Obnoxious Bright Orange Nike Shoes. At my church a group of young adults play volleyball of Friday nights. I decided I wanted better tennis shoes to be able to play weekly. I didn't want normal looking ones, I wanted bright ones, and I found a pair on Poshmark. Poshmark is one of my favorite places to shop. There are so many different things you can buy for way cheaper than normal stores. It is like a big online thrift store. I scored these shoes for $40 when a lot of Nike shoes cost $100+, and even though they were used they appeared brand new! I get complimented on how I'm able to keep them so new looking. The only downside to Poshmark is the high shipping. It costs $8 shipping no matter what you buy, however sellers on the website are able to discount the shipping price, and if you sell on Poshmark you can also earn money towards buying products on the website.  

                              

3) Fresh Balsam Wallflower Scent. I use the scent wall plug ins from Bath in Body Works in my bathroom, and stocked up on my favorite scent, Fresh Balsam, which smells like a Christmas tree. The scent notes are balsam, eucalyptus, fir branches, and cedarwood. I have a big love for Bath and Body Works so I also like their foaming hand soaps, scent portals for the car, and aromatherapy shower gels. My favorite shower gel was "Hot Springs Spa" which is no longer available, but had the scent notes of Eucalyptus, lemon, and cedarwood. The problem with Bath and Body Works scents is that they put out new scents and only have them available for a certain amount of time, and then don't produce the scent anymore unless it's one of the few scents that doesn't get retired. Luckily Fresh Balsam is always around during Christmas. One of my favorite scents of all time is Pink Chiffon which my best friend in high school gifted me. The scent gives me memories of her. The scent notes include red pear, jasmine, tiare, orchid, and chiffon musk. Bath and Body Works has a lot of decorative scent holders for their wallflowers, and I got one that has a black lab with a winter scarf. 

4) Curology. Curology has been a big life saver for me. My acne breakouts used to get bad, and up until three years ago I was unsure what to do. I had tried a lot of different products in order to get it under control but nothing seemed to work. I tried Proactiv, and another skin care kit that I bought at Ulta. I tried different face scrubs and essential oil, but nothing. One of my friends suggested Curology, and I gave it a try with low hopes it would work but it did! I went from having a lot of acne to clear skin, and it didn't even take very long. I just put it on once a day when I remember too, and it keeps acne away and makes my face feel soft. A small bottle costs $40, but if you only use it once a day it lasts for about 2 months if not more. You take a short quiz so they know the type of acne you have, and make a special formula for it. They also set you up with a skincare specialist to check in on your progress and make sure your formula is working. 

5) Cardigan purchased at Summerfest. I love the color of this cardigan/kimono and it's intricate colorful designs. Here is a picture of the back and me wearing it. Purchased for $35 at one of those handmade clothing vendors. 

6) Jacket with Patches. I bought a green army jacket at a thrift store and decided to decorate it with patches of bands I like, and various pins. The patches I got from different places, and most of the pins were bought on Wish.com. Wish has cheap quality items so I got them for cheap, however due to the cheap quality some of them have fallen off. It's a cool customizable peace that I love adding too. 

 

 7) Black High-Rise Distressed Jeans. You can already see them in the picture above. This was another product I got on Poshmark for $20. 

8) Hanging Star Lights. I found these on Amazon and my mom got them for me for Christmas. They look awesome hanging up on my wall as seen in the picture. I like to have them on when I sleep some nights. It was hard at first to figure out how to untangle them correctly when we first got them out of the box, but we eventually did. Also love the mountain tapestry that I also purchased on Poshmark. 

9) Mini Instruments. Mini version of things are always adorable, and I was able to find mini versions of a guitar, piano, and well I guess the microphone is life sized. A friend purchased the mini guitar for me from Rock USA. The piano I found at a secondhand book store, and the microphone was a gift. It doubles as a perfume branded by "The Voice". 

10) Shooting Star Earrings. These were apart of a Buy 1, get 1 deal, so I bought a pair for one of my friends who also loves earrings. The fact that they dangle from your ears and look like falling stars is so pretty. I think they were also handmade. (Bought on Poshmark). 

11) Stila Rouge Lip Stain. I wear this lip color a lot, and find it goes well with my other makeup, and is just a nice color in general. However the tube is not labeled with the shade of color that it is. :( They're listed for $22 each on the Ulta website, but this one specifically I bought was around $7. 

12) I'm a big fan of hats so here are my favorites. From Amazon, Poshmark, and the March for Life. Pom hats for the win. 

13) This sweater is a current favorite. My mom bought it for me for Christmas last year from TJ Maxx. The clothing brand is Marled Reunited Clothing. The puffed shoulders are a little extra, but I get complimented a lot when I wear it. 

The list stops at 13 for now, but I put more products in this blog then just 13. I will probably add more products as I come across them. :) For the products above I would say it's best to look around for the best price. A lot of products can be found for cheaper elsewhere, like a secondhand website like Poshmark or even Ebay. 

Buy the products yourself at the links below. 

Hanging Star Lights 

https://www.amazon.com/BHCLIGHT-Curtain-Bedroom-Christmas-Decorations/dp/B07PPKRS1K/ref=sr_1_6?crid=F202R821L9EF&keywords=hanging%2Bstar%2Blights&qid=1668402200&sprefix=hanging%2Bstar%2B%2Caps%2C213&sr=8-6&th=1

Curology

https://curology.co/free-trial/1i0g/?&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paid_search&utm_campaign=10560192698&utm_content=104467682876&utm_creative=448723805247&utm_termcurology&g_network=g&g_adid=448723805247&g_keyword=curology&g_acctid=812-096-3445&g_adtype=search&g_adgroupid=104467682876&g_keywordid=aud-1185174288943:kwd-302540251580&g_campaign=Google_Search_Brand+-+Exact&g_campaignid=10560192698&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=10560192698&utm_creative=448723805247&utm_content=104467682876&utm_term=curology&gclid=Cj0KCQiAyMKbBhD1ARIsANs7rEFQVMEJ1XPRnR5isbJ4qeuc2KLkuKDEJU-lIlmDKzhuKBi3qo8PjFYaAjxUEALw_wcB

Chicago Botanical Gardens and MCR

     Those days that are just so filled with fun and adventure.....that is how Friday was, plus the best weather you could ask for, for being outdoors all day. 

   On Friday I took the day off work in order to see one of my favorite bands play in Chicago, My Chemical Romance. The closest they would be playing for the US tour was Chicago at a music festival. I bought two passes before I even knew who I'd go with, and finally the day arrived. They wouldn't be playing until 8:30 that night, and I had taken the day off work so I needed another idea to fill the time. I ended up going with my friend, Faille, and she suggested the Chicago Botanical Gardens. 

   I didn't really know what to expect, but when looking up the website of all the themed gardens days before I agreed. You can spend all day there, and not even see half of the the gardens. There are photo opportunities everywhere. It's kind of overwhelming to know where to take a picture or what to take a picture of. Everything is just so eye-catching. Looking it up there are 27 themed gardens on 385 acres. The gardens Faille and I visited were: The Bulb Garden, English Walled Garden, Japanese Garden, English Walled Garden, Native Plant Garden, Rose Garden, Aquatic Garden, and Cove. We also looked at a collection of Bonsai trees. Each garden was intricately designed. The Japanese garden went into depth on the histories and meanings of different plants in the garden. Of the ones we visited, my favorite was the English Walled Garden and the Japanese Garden. While visiting the cove which looks out onto the Shokie River I saw a grasshopper walking on the railing. The grasshopper stopped to look at me. Then moved to face me and inched closer. I thought "What if this thing jumps at me?" so I backed up a little, but still looked at it, and a few seconds later he jumped at me. Even though I had that thought I didn't think it actually would, and I ended up giving a little yelp. Faille asked what had happened and I explained to her, but didn't know where the grasshopper had gone. When I lifted up my purse that's where it was. The purse I was carrying was colorful, so I think that's what attracted the grasshopper to it. The outfit I chose wasn't the best for all the walking we did that day, but sometimes beauty is pain. :P 

 

   After the Gardens we made the trek to Douglas Park. We decided to drive down so we could have more mobility, not have to worry about train/subway schedules/ubers etc. The only problem was, the traffic. Chicago traffic hadn't crossed my mind, but it didn't end up being to bad anyway. We were able to find a parking spot decently close to the park in a well lit area near the Chicago Police Department and ventured toward the park at around 5pm. Douglas Park is a HUGE park, which is probably why they had a music festival of 100,000 people there. 

    I didn't know what to expect with Riot Fest. I had kind of hoped they'd play a stadium instead of at a festival. I like Summerfest as a music festival, but Summerfest is different because it's at an actual festival park, where this one was at a park, park. This festival was also different because you didn't buy tickets specifically for the band you were seeing. The passes were for general admission for the whole day. Since it was an all day pass I thought we would see a band before My Chemical Romance started playing. Things didn't go to plan, however. We walked around the grounds a little, finding the stage that MCR would play in a few hours then went to look for food. After walking around we were only able to find one food area nearby. There were plenty of alcohol and merch tents everywhere, but not a lot of food vendors from what we found. I am hoping there were more elsewhere in the park. The website made it seem like there would be way more. Because there were so few vendors the lines were long. Which is another difference between Summerfest and Riot Fest. Summerfest has food vendors everywhere so you never have to wait too long in line. We chose the Corn Dog and Nachos line and ended up waiting 45+ minutes, no exaggeration. I hadn't eaten since that morning, and we needed water as well. Luckily there were a lot of people in interesting outfits to watch while we waited, and it killed some of the time we'd be waiting for the band anyway. Being in line made kind of regret buying the passes for the festival. Finally we got our food, and made our way towards the stage. 

      Alkaline Trio was playing at the neighboring stage where MCR would be playing. We watched them as we made our way closer to MCR's stage. (Another strange thing was the fact that two stages were very close to each other, and both had sound tents that blocked part of the audience from seeing the stage since they were in the towards the front.) It was after 7pm at this point. We came to a stop, not thinking we could get any closer. Apparently there was plenty of room, according to the 500+ that squished by us in 45 minutes. (This ended up being a problem though, since MCR was headlining and was the only band playing from 8:30-10:00 almost all of the 100,000 people in attendance were there for MCR.) 15 minutes before the show started we were able to get a tiny bit closer than we had been, still in the back though. We could see the megatron and if you looked at the stage you could see them a tiny bit. They looked like ants. MCR came out, and suddenly the regrets of being there faded. It was an incredible show even though it was oversold and a few people passed out. The band would remind the audience to back up after most songs, due to the overcrowding, and not wanting people to get hurt. During the middle of the set, one of the audience members near us began having a seizure. The audience members around them tried to get the band's attention to stop the show in order for the person to get medical attention, but they didn't notice and kept going. It was a little hard to enjoy the concert when there was someone in a life threatening situation nearby, but they were finally able to get help after 3 songs. I was actually glad we weren't closer due to the possibility of getting physically injured due to the mass amounts of people. Yes, it would have been nice to actually see them instead of mostly on the big screen, but wasn't worth the physical harm. For this tour every MCR concert has a different setlist. Each setlist features multiple songs from their entire discography, and each night the lead singer usually wears an outfit/costume, and says something different at each concert. A lot of bands perform mostly their newest songs, wear the same outfit or a few different outfits throughout tour, and have certain scripted lines that they say at every show. The setlist they did play for Chicago was amazing. 

   MCR hasn't played together in 10+ years, and had even officially broken up back in 2012. However, they announced they would be doing a reunion show at the end of 2019, and were going to do a reunion tour in 2020. I had just gotten into their music towards the beginning of 2019. We all know how 2020 went, and their tour got rescheduled to 2022. The lead singer had been saying that the band had broken up because it was no longer fun to perform anymore. Back when they were performing he was in a dark place. He had to be drunk in order to perform well on stage, and there was so much stress in sounding perfect. However this tour was different. Everyone in the band is now sober, and just enjoying being around each other. There's a lot of joy, and they're the happiest and most comfortable they've ever been on stage and you can tell by the way they look on stage. This was supposed to be a reunion tour, but is no longer seen as that, because they don't want this to be the last tour they ever do. They really enjoy what they're doing again, and it makes my heart so happy to know that they're in such a good place. Being a fan of there's after the break up, I didn't think I'd get to ever see them, but now I have, and maybe will again in the future too. 

Encouragement & Self-Doubt

   I've come a long way, but I still have self-doubt ad I'm sure we all do. I felt a bit of self-doubt come on last week. Thankfully, I was able to combat it quickly, but it brought some important things to mind. 

    The situation: I met up with people my age over the weekend at one of their houses. When I got there no one seemed too excited I was there. (Totally my perception and not about any of their characters, they're wonderful people.) I ended up leaving early since they hung out past midnight and I knew I had to be up early the next morning. When I left it also didn't seem like anyone cared too much. On the car ride home I felt a little down. I thought about how I wasn't really a person most people got excited about seeing. How I felt misunderstood, and more like I was in the background, undervalued, etc. 

  I then thought of the people who I knew did value me, and how I knew I did. The love they showed, the big hugs they gave, the encouragement they had given, and I felt better.  Our church's message of the week ended up being on encouragement, and during young adults group at my church I felt comforted. My identity as a child of God had been restored. 

  That's not the end of the story. At homegroup (groups of people from church your put into) we discussed encouragement and it's importance. How the people with a gift for encouragement appear. Two of the people who stuck out to me were two people that I always felt valued by, and have a gift for making everyone seem like the most valuable. When you walk in a room, and you're friends with one of these girls, chances are they will excitedly say your name. They make me feel seen. I don't need any reminders to know my life is valuable but it's good to feel valued at times. At homegroup this lead to the discussion on the importance of welcoming people. At my church we have people who volunteer as welcomers, and welcome all the people who enter the church whether they are a member or are new. When someone new comes to our church, they don't feel lost in the crowd and like no one notices them. They feel seen, and that's one of the things I love about my particular church. People actually want to know you, like really know you not just surface level. Telling someone that you're glad that they're there. Complimenting them on something they do well. Letting someone know they are loved,  etc. 

   Another thing I thought of is how often encouragement is thought and not told. There's a good chance when I was hanging out at the house that there were people that did value me, actually I'm sure of it. Maybe in their heads when I walked in they thought "Oh I'm so happy Alex is here, she is so kind." I know a lot of times when I see someone I know and care for, I only occasionally encourage them and tell them. I'm more introverted, so when someone comes in the room or leaves I might give a simple "hi" or "bye" when inside I'm so glad that they are there or sad they're leaving. They might not know, and drive home feeling down like I did. Simple encouragements mean so much. 

  All this to say that the only overall opinion that matters is what God thinks of you. But it really is nice to be reminded of your value as a child of God. We must remain humble when receiving compliments,  and know it's not by ourselves that we are the way that we are but because of God. 

A Huge Victory

  At the job I work at I visit kid's homes that are aged 2-4 or work with them at a clinic designed specifically for kids with Autism. One of my client's and his brother were going to start going to the clinic for therapy twice a week, and started on Friday. I work with both of the brothers and the younger one is really chill, and a pretty happy kid so our team didn't foresee any challenges with him transitioning into the clinic. However this wasn't so for the older brother, who I was assigned to for his very first day at the clinic. 

   On my way to the clinic I prayed that he'd be able to easily transition into being at the clinic, even though it seemed by knowing him he would have a really rough time with it. God came through as he always faithfully does, and all the staff were shocked at how much he crushed his first day at the clinic. Tasks that were hard for him at home didn't seem to be at the clinic. I was so proud of him. 

    I got him out of his carseat and he calmly walked into the clinic into the lobby to get checked in. (He's very attached to mom, so we thought he would fight back or cry). The only thing that kind of freaked him out was the head thermometer we're required to do for Covid. I think he thought it was going to hurt. After realizing this I explained the process and he was surprised it was a 2 second process. We went into the room assigned to him and he played with the toys in there. I let him play with the toys in his room before asking him if he would want to explore the other rooms. (The more public rooms that would have other clients playing in there). He was hesitant at first which I figured he would be but after a couple minutes he told me he was ready to go out. He absolutely loved all the toys in the different rooms. Toys he had never seen before in his young life. He wanted to try everything. We didn't know how he would be around peers since he had really only ever been around his brother mostly. But he did amazingly well. (He has a hard time sharing things, especially with his brother, but he did so well here.) He actually wanted to be around the other kids towards the end of my session with him. When another kid had a toy he wanted he patiently waited for them to be done (which was unheard of). It made me so happy. He also usually fights being changed (diapers). When I told him I needed to change his diaper, he whined but walked into his room to be changed without any other resistance and let me change him without a fuss. He usually has a pacifier for comfort while being changed but told me he didnt need it when I tried handing it to him. I just felt so much happiness the rest of the day. This was so HUGE for him, and we didn't know how well he would do but he did at least 10x better than any of us could imagine he would. I truly think he will thrive here.

   I love all the kids I work with even when they fight me or throw tantrums etc. My job is to help them communicate effectively so they no longer have to show negative behaviors to get what they need/want. I know everyday won't be like today was, even when he's in the clinic but I know that "today" was a HUGE victory and that's all that matters. 

Perseverance

      I took off work for about a month after triggering intense anxiety and stress after transitioning to a job too much like my last one. It was supposed to be an easy transition. Going from a school of high intensity to one of a way lesser intensity. What I thought would be easy my brain saw as trauma, and reacted in a way it thought was protecting me. I almost wish it could have been that easy but then I wouldn't have the job opportunity I have now or the month break I had to rest and heal.

    At Hillcrest where I was supposed to be feeling all these emotions, I pushed them down to survive. They were naturally coming up when I had time to process them, to demand I deal with them, so I could heal from them.  The month away from work wasn't easy. The feeling of intense anxiety and stress would hit out of nowhere and I was scared that all those emotions would follow me into my next job. I knew I couldnt go back to the school I got hired onto in December because my brain would physically not let me. Don't get me wrong there was rest and healing but also a lot of fear of the unknown. So much so I put myself into an almost self-fulfilling prophecy. "I think I won't be able to work a full time job in Kenosha, therefore I won't" and I really thought I wouldn't be able to. 

   When I passed the interview for the job I have now, instead of being excited I was really stressed out and faced the intense anxiety again. There would be no way I could work 40 hours a week in my current condition. I felt like I was setting myself up for failure. I would be hired onto the job just like the school in December and wind up the same way I had before. A week before I started the job I'm at, I seriously considered not even giving it a try. It would save me from hurting so much emotionally. All these emotions were exhausting and I wanted an "easy" way out. An "easy" way out would have meant not being apart of my Kenosha church community as much, losing my apartment, job benefits and losing a great work opportunity.  But if it meant escaping exhausting emotional pain it seemed like an okay decision. 

   However, I know myself. I've gotten through way harder things, and I'm stubborn. Stubborn enough to not let myself give up when things get hard. So I did not even though everything in me wanted to. Especially that first day of work. I started my first day and the same feeling of intense anxiety flooded my body and I felt so stressed that day. That first day was luckily mostly online training at home, and some time at the clinic. When I went to the clinic I would work at in person I somehow felt calm. That gave me hope. However I was still convinced I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I was exhausted from all the emotions I had been dealing with. I then spent 45 minutes on the phone with my mom saying how it was too hard, how I was so sick of feeling all these emotions and just so exhausted, and saying how I couldn't do it. Hearing myself say "I can't do it" and "It's so hard" out loud made me feel even more upset because I knew I wasn't the giving up type. My mom encouraged me I could and to keep trying even though it was hard and that in a week I'd probably feel differently and get over this feeling after being able to accomplish it and see that I could do it. She was right of course but that didnt make the pain any easier to bear. That night I cleaned myself up and ate something then went to a friends game night she had planned. I really wanted to go and be around friends but my emotions had really exhausted me.  I however went anyways and was so glad I did. That Tuesday was hard as well, but a little less hard. People were glad to have me back in town, and I felt a little more at ease with my job.  I surrounded myself with people from the church again and felt more hope rise up within me. Wednesday came and it was even easier. After that I started to feel like my normal self again and felt relief and joy that I was actually going to be able to do this. I would get to be part of my church community again, keep my apartment, not lose my job benefits when I turned 26 etc. I was so glad I had gotten out of the rut so quickly. It was only through depending on God and perseverance that I was able to overcome this hurdle. Satan would really rather let me think that I'm too weak, would rather me not be connected to my church community, would rather me not make a difference in young kids with Autism, but God helped me be a conqueror in this situation. 

   

Emotionally Tattered: (A Spiritual Revelation)

    I couldn't find a picture that depicted a similar image to the one I feel God has given me, so I'll try to describe it. Basically I saw a person's back with open wounds on it, like those from a whip.  A doctor was tending to the wounds. 

    The interpretation? I was the one wounded, and Jesus (God) was tending to my wounds. My previous job had been one of spiritual battle. I was a soldier fighting against darkness, where the darkness had been ruling. Shining a light, and cutting through things with the sword of the spirit. In my previous job the darkness had been very strong so I didn't go away from the situation untharmed, but I didn't realize the scope of my injuries until I was out of the battle. Deep wounds caused by verbal abuse and other things were there. I thought l would be free leaving the battle. However the wounds and affects of the battle follow you once you're no longer in the battle. Soldiers home from battle still suffer from PTSD. They still get triggered by things that remind them of the battle. If you go out with deep open wounds into the world before their healed enough the wounds will just reopen. 

   This is what happened to me after leaving Hillcrest. At first I experienced relief and happiness that I was given permission to stop fighting in such a spiritually dark place. However, taking on another job so soon after I had left Hillcrest, was like going out in the world with the wounds before they were healed. This caused the intense feelings of anxiety and sadness. The school environment even though it wasn't as dark had triggered these emotions. (The post-war PTSD which is not a term I use lightly.) Going full force into life again after fighting such an intense battle hadn't been the right decision, and it makes sense when you picture the open wounds. Just like the physical wounds take time to heal, so do emotional wounds. It's been frustrating not being able to work for over a month now, but rest/healing/taking it easy was necessary to healing/not getting more injured. 

  A superhero even though they ultimately win in the end gets thrown around. My time at Hillcrest wasn't for nothing, even though I know that darkness still has a stronghold on that school. The same way with war when you're discharged before the war is one, you could feel like you fought for nothing. My actions had positive effects every single day, and I'm hopeful that darkness won't always rule in that school. It doesn't make sense that I was able to even function/almost thrive in an environment like that when I was there, but God and his goodness gave me an incredible amount of strength everyday to endure it. If he calls you to do something, he'll give you the tools to do it. A lot of people tell me they could never work there, but because God I was able even though it was only for a little over a year. 

   God sees what you're going through, your not fighting your battles in vain.  

   

Denver Day 5: Sunrise Hike at Redrock & Denver Science Museum

      This is late as I was in Denver over a month ago now, but here it is. The last day I was in Denver. 

    For the final day since my flight wasn't until 5:30 pm, I booked a sunrise hike at Redrock via AirBNB. If you didn't know you not only can book rental spaces, but experiences on AirBNB as well. This experience consisted of a sunrise tour of Redrock at 6:30 while a tour guide took you around and told facts about the park. The hike would end with a breakfast provided by the tour guide. I almost thought I wouldn't make it to Redrock in time. Even though I woke up early enough to travel there in plenty of time I lost my car keys. I looked all around my AirBNB in a sort of panic, not wanting to miss the sunrise, and/or risk the waste of money it cost. I decided to check my rental car to see if I had left it in there. The car I had only needed the key to be in the car in order to start which is kind of terrifying. I went to the car and tried to open it, which caused the car alarm to go off, at around 5:30 in the morning. I was fearful it wouldn't go off until I found the keys, and by then have woken up the whole neighborhood. However, it ended up going off on it's own. The keys were not in the car. I went back to my AirBNB and looked again, becoming more panicked because there became less and less time to make it on time. The keys ended up being on the end of my bed for some reason and I rushed out of the AirBNB and to the car. 

    I made it just in time at the spot I was supposed to meet the tour guide and the others, however the parking lot was empty. I looked up the number of my tour guide and called it. He answered saying he was running late due to a coffee mishap but he was on his way and would be there soon. The sun had yet to come up anyway. The tour guide arrived, and it ended up just being me and him even though a couple had signed up to do the hike as well. They never showed up, and the tour guide called them. We decided to start the hike since the sunrise wasn't going to wait. It was incredible, when the sun did come up instead of one area of the sky being pink, everywhere you looked was a pinkish hue. Even though it was a little more awkward given it was just me and the tour guide, I also got the opportunity to get more photos taken of myself with the scenery. The hike wasn't too hard and very enjoyable although we didn't see many animals. Only a few bunnies and a deer. The tour guide made funny comments, and told interesting facts about the park. Including how at Red Rock Ampitheatre bands were limited to a certain amount of speakers due to the fragility of the rocks. One band ended up disobeying this rule, and their speaker blew a permanent hole into one of the rocks. Also he Red Rock Ampitheatre usually hosts an Easter service. A few years ago Easter fell on 4/20, so what started with an Easter church service ended with a concert put on by.....who other than Snoop Dog. At the end of the hike I thanked the tour guide was given a breakfast sandwich along with other snacks and coffee which I took up to the Red Rock Ampitheatre to enjoy. I looked out at Denver as I ate my breakfast then drove around the park after to take some more pictures of the scenery. 

    It was around 9am when I got back to my AirBNB. I decided to set my alarm so that I had enough time to nap and pack my stuff before having to check out at 11am. The AirBNB host assumed I had left early in the morning, because she had saw the lights on in my room around 5:30am. She ended up knocking on the door that attaches to the house and walked in to go and clean the room. Thankfully I had heard the knock and had enough time to sit up at least when she came in. She apologized and quickly headed out. I finished my nap and then packed up my stuff, and figured out what I would do the next couple of hours. I had heard on the radio that the Denver Science Museum had a special exhibit on guitars and decided to buy tickets online and headed over. 

    The museum ended up being really close to where my AirBNB had been, so I got there quicker than I thought I would. When I got there I noticed school buses outside of the museum. The school buses carried kids who were on a field trip that day at the museum. I went into the guitar exhibit at the same time as a bunch of elementary school kids also went into the exhibit. The exhibit had a lot of interactive parts so the kids were all over that. The exhibit contained guitars from all over the world and their history. How they came to have six strings. How the material used to build the guitar affects the sound, etc.  The exhibit also contained different guitar models with explanations about them, a giant electric guitar model in the middle of the room, and a place where you could test out different guitars. The giant guitar had a "no running" sign. You could climb on top of it, but not run on it apparently. 😛 The museum also had exhibits on dinosaurs, space, Colorado climate/animals, sloths, and the body to name a few. I visited a couple of other exhibits after visiting the guitar one, then headed to Insomnia Cookie before returning my rental car. Insomnia Cookies let you order cookies or cookie icecream sandwiches made with your choice of warm cookies, and flavor of ice cream. I returned my car and made it to the airport in plenty of time, and made it back to Wisconsin around 8:30pm.

 

Healing

     I don't know how long it will take to recover, but I know I shouldn't be ashamed. I know that's easier said than done when the thoughts get so loud. I have good reason to have experienced such sadness. It turns out working with at risk youth affected me more than I thought. It should have been easy for me after taking a short break to transfer to working at a new school, an easier one, but that didn't turn out to be the case. The unknown as to why I felt like I couldn't go through the day without intense emotions scared me. Why in an environment that was a lot easier than what I was used to caused me to feel this way? I guess it was because of the unprocessed trauma that Hillcrest had caused that I was unable to feel until I was out of the environment. When I was working there, I didn't have time to process what was happening, I just had to get through it. At that on top of three deaths. The most important being my grandma. The last happening on New Year's Eve to my sister-in-laws mother who is very much like my own mother. (Having MS and a low immune system). I don't know why they all had to die in the same year, why a lot of people seem to be dying at the moment. With my emotions and these facts it seems really helpless, but I know when I am weak you are strong. I might not know the answers to these questions, God, but you do.           

   Coming back from a mostly happy Christmas break I didn't want to go back to work as I'm sure no one really does. I usually feel sad leaving home to go back to Kenosha, but I really broke down this time. I couldn't stop crying on the way back to Kenosha. I felt that even though this was the case that when I got to work I'd be ready to work. Things didn't go as planned, and I started crying and couldn't stop, so I was sent home early. It made me feel helpless. I was able to deal with so much more before, I had been doing really well, how long would it take to feel better again, why was I feeling such intense emotions, the kids didn't even do anything stressful, and so on. I felt crazy talking to my boss full of tears, not being really able to explain why I was balling in his office. 

    I guess it's because of post traumatic stress disorder. It's not a term I use lightly. Working in a school environment again after leaving Hillcrest triggered these intense emotions and being overwhelmed. Even with elementary school aged kids. The feelings followed me home, and this overwhelming feelings and the thoughts with it made time go by painfully slow. The feeling made me feel the opposite of who I was, and it was painful to experience them. I didn't know how I would get through the work week, and really didn't think I'd be able to so I scheduled a doctor's appointment. The doctor gave me a higher dose of medication and suggested I get out of the education field. She also filled out a form that would give me additional time off to recover. So that's what I'm doing. Going back home to stay with my parents has eased a lot of the pain, and I am so thankful for that. (After going back to my apartment Monday and into Tuesday the intense sadness stuck with me, and didn't really let up. It's one of the worst feelings, I thought it would be weeks at least until I felt okay again. There's still a lot to figure out though. My past boss helped me get this job at the elementary school, and I don't want to leave them but I really don't know if I'd be able to handle this job at the moment I'm terrified of going back, and the same thing happening. Intense emotions and crying. Four really hard days, was enough for me. The education field is also going through a lot right now with the trauma 2020 has caused. The kids are really unregulated and have less control than usual. 

    I guess I just need to take it one step at a time. I'll return to feeling myself again. Hopefully the days of intense sadness and anxiety are behind me for awhile. I just have to take it easy, and even though that's annoying because it doesn't feel like being an adult. I'll try to be nice to myself, because it's okay and I'm going to be okay. I'm not alone I have an incredible God, an incredible family, and incredible friends who care so much, and will help in anyway they can. I just have to put my hope in the Lord. 

 26  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:26-27